Behind the Scenes at The East Gate
by Eastgaters
Summary: The Cast of Eastgate carried on a backstage correspondence whilst writing the main story. It was never intended to be published, but here it is anyway. Chapter 9 Published and Be Damned!
1. Default Chapter

**Behind the Scenes of  
The East Gate**  
_Scandals, Sex and Secrets Laid Bare_

Part One: The Fellowship of the Cast

_"By no means all Hobbits were lettered, but those who were wrote constantly to all their friends (and a selection of their relations) who lived further off than an afternoon's walk.  
"__Concerning Hobbits - J R R Tolkien_

The Quest has just started and the characters have other lives off stage and have started to exchange correspondence. Frodo is complaining about Pippin's scarf and so it begins…

Dear Cousin,  
All right Frodo, I've told you before – it's my scarf, Merry gave me this scarf for his 20th birthday and I am quite fond of it or I would not have kept it so long. While it would make a good gag I am onto your schemes so give up already. You have a smial full of gold and you can go buy your own.  
Yours  
Pip

-0000-

Pippin, I told you to wash that ratty old thing! It smells and it's full of holes!  
Frodo

-0000-

Dear Frodo!   
It doesn't smell! Well, Merry says it smells like me, whatever that means, and I certainly don't smell. Well, actually, it has been a long time since ANY of us has had a bath...but my scarf is NOT a ratty old thing and I know where every stain and hole came from, and I can't wash it Frodo, cause Merry cried all over it when I was so sick that time and it reminds me how much my Merry loves me!  
Pippin

-0000-

Pippin

You haven't washed it since THEN? Pippin, that was FOURTEEN years ago!

I checked with Merry, and he said, "Pippin, that scarf stinks to high heaven. Let Frodo wash it." Then he said, "Frodo. Why are we drinking pissy American Bud Light? You had Beck's last week."  
Frodo

-0000-

Merry! Help me! He's after my scarf again!  
Pippin

-0000-

Young hobbit! I said to turn that scarf over!  
Your Elder Cousin,  
Frodo

-0000-

Dear Much Elder Cousin Frodo,  
I am really getting excited now, planning many useful ways to utilize the scarf that you'll not get your greedy hands on...I know you want it doubly now that you know it has Merry's tears on it!  
Your Youthful Cousin,  
Pip

-0000-

Merry says Pippin stinks and he has to sleep in the other room tonight if he doesn't wash himself and his clothing.  
Frodo

-0000-

Frodo:  
Merry would Never say that about my scarf! In fact, he's the one that told me I should be careful not to wash it 'cause it might fall apart...  
We at least have 'regular' Budweiser...at least we will when the man brings it. So There!  
Pippin

-0000-

Merry:  
Pippin has to sleep in the hallway. He smells.  
Frodo, B.O.T.O.R.

-0000-

To The Fellowship:  
Merry says Pippin stinks and he has to sleep in the other room tonight if he doesn't wash himself and his clothing.  
Frodo, B.O.T.O.R.

-0000-

To Whom It May Concern:  
Pippin says that he will be more than happy to sleep in the other room tonight, and what does Merry think of that, eh?  
And he adds that Merry's waistcoat was a completely different shade of yellow when they left home and now it is starting to take on the colour of a cave trolls hide...and Pippin has a whole 40 oz real Bud all to himself, since Merry will be sleeping elsewhere this night...  
Affrontedly Yours,  
Pippin

-0000-

Hoi Pip!  
Yes, but Merry got to sleep in bed with me!  
Your Smirking Cousin,  
Frodo

-0000-

Hello Boromir!   
Good thing you are going to play him hunky, cause then I can make you carry Gimli AND me around, lol.   
Pip

-0000-

Boromir reporting in again!   
  
It is my sincere desire to assist the Fellowship where I am capable and able.   
  
It has, however, come to my attention, through recent posts to this site about tigging (an apparent hobbit game I believe may be related to Ropey but to which I am unsure of the exact rules, I believe it was some sort of game Meriadoc and Samwise and Peregrin invited to infuriate Frodo Baggins) to wit previous conversation: It has come to my attention that many feel the need to expect me to pull their arses out of proverbial fires, brimstones and abysses.   
  
NOTE: Boromir does not do rescues unless you are desperately in need of rescuing. Read that, save your own arse, I've got Orcs to fight.   
  
Also read that: I'm not into the touchy feely 21st century be nice to thy brother.   
  
I'll tig but I'm not sure exactly what I'm tigging or to whom I tig or in what capacity.   
  
Legolas good to have your elvish self near by, I trust you'll keep those silly lads in line? I've smell Orcs near by...

-0000-

Boromir: I expect you to be this hunky at all times (see picture). Nothing less will be accepted. I also expect you to rescue me whenever I deem necessary. I often need rescuing, as I am prone to falling down. I also expect you to carry me when my feet are tired.   
  
If you object to any of these activities, I will be forced to call a Fellowship family meeting, and we most certainly will need a group hug when we are through discussing your feelings and why you do not wish to rescue me.   
  
Sincerely,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring

-0000-

Cousin Frodo,   
While you do tend to fall down a lot remember that I am the youngest and smallest of all us hobbits, and tire even more quickly than you do. Besides, remember that it was 'your' idea that Boromir not make it out of the Mines, therefore making him my own protector, not yours. As it was also 'your' idea that I not make it out of the Mines you are hoist on your own petard there cousin mine!   
Pippin

-0000-

Dear Boromir,   
I know Gimli has a broken leg, but if I get too tired you will carry me tiggy-back, won't you? You're always looking out for Merry and me...   
Pip

-0000-

Dear Peregrin,   
Did you wash that nasty, dirty, smelly scarf like I told you to?   
Sincerely,   
Cousin Frodo   
Bearer of The One Ring

-0000-

Mr. Frodo, sir, Master Pippin asked me to wash it for him. He said you were going to ask me and forgot, due to advancing age.   
Sam

-0000-

Dearest Sam,   
If it is necessary to kick Pippin's arse to get that stinky old scarf away from him long enough to wash it, know that you do so with my full blessing.   
My deepest gratitude,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
PS -- It seems that I have fallen down again. I suspect these incidents may be due to my advancing age. Please fetch Boromir to save me.   
FB

-0000-

Dearest Elder Cousin,   
Did you know how much a leather jerkin can reek when it's worn under a hidden mithril shirt for months on end? Wonder what the skin looks like under there now... I mean, you've always been pale, but really. Sort of greyish by now I'd imagine, and I hope I am no wherenowhere around when you finally undress. Think about that and I am sure it will take your mind off the imagined odiousness of my nice scarf.   
Peregrin Took   
Future Thain of The Shire, and Protector of The Ringbearer

-0000-

Dear Sam,   
Thank you for filling Frodo in on what I said to you... it will not be forgotten, sincerely. However, I have changed my mind out of principle. My scarf is mine, to do with as I will. I do however thank you for your kind willingness to help.   
Pippin

-0000-

Frodo Baggins,   
Let us not continue with this potential misunderstanding. It grieves me so to think you would consider I am not ready to fulfillfulfil my obligations in serving the Fellowship. There is no need, I repeat, NO need for a group hug. While hugging is considered acceptable by some males (I have observed, in particular, by Elven Males) it is NOT considered manly or hunky by most Gondorian Officers. I kindly defer the need for a group hug unless it is a matter of life or death. Please respect my wishes in this matter and I will be much more at ease with this (albeit necessary) odd assortment of travelerstravellers.   
  
I have in the past and will in the future, gladly display my hunkiness in hefting The Ringbearer's Body through many a difficult situation. I consider it an honour to do so.   
  
Your Humble Servant, Boromir - Captain of the Guard

-0000-

Peregrin,   
Of course I will avail myself to carry you when you are in need given there are no Orcs in the immediate vicinity requiring heads/arms/legs to be lopped. It is, after all, one of my duties. Lord Elrond made it perfectly clear I am to watch out for the Little Ones while protecting Mr. Baggins' aging arse (not to mention watching out for that RING...)   
  
Though I am still uncertain about your use of the word Tig. It appears to be used as both a common action and a sport. If I tig Samwise while carrying you tiggy-back after you have tigged Meriadoc does that free me up from being tigged myself?   
Your faithful companion, Boromir

-0000-

My most honorablehonourable Boromir,   
I know that some Men of Gondor consider group hugs unhunky. Let me assure you that this is not so. However, perhaps it would be best if you eased your way into the arena of platonic affection. I recommend you begin with shoulder-clasping and squeezing. Once we locate Aragorn, he can give you lessons, as he is quite the expert.   
  
I appreciate, as always, your willingness to save me from the many dangers of Middle-earth.   
Sincerely,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
  
PS -- Do not carry that ridiculous Took anywhere. Tell him to stop whining and get moving. His scarf smells, anyway.   
FB

-0000-

Dearest Meriadoc,   
  
I have had some leisure time lately to consider our future positions as Thain of the entire Shire and Master of all of Buckland. It is my opinion that the Shire in general would benefit from a substantial tax increase among the wealthier hobbitry. We ourselves, as the responsible heads of our respective clans, would of course be exempt from this higher rate of taxation, which would fall largely upon well-to-do-hobbits without close immediate families. I know that both you and Cousin Frodo will be pleased that I am finally thinking about such important matters regarding my future governing of the Shire, and will support me in my efforts to make the Shire an even nicer place to call home.   
Your Favourite Cousin and Future Thain,

-0000-

Dear Boromir,   
Don't worry about Frodo and his obsessive need to be hugged. It is nothing to do with you personally; he lost his parents at a very early age and goes through periods where he craves affection. Usually Merry and I will hug him when this happens but lately he has been trying to take my scarf when I do so, and also, quite frankly he smells of mouldering leather, so we are a bit less free with showing him physical affection of late, as I am sure you can understand.   
  
I appreciate your willingness to carry me about when I am weary, and assure you that I will merely cling to your back whenever it becomes necessary for you to have your hands free to lop the limbs or heads off of any orcs that may stand in our path. Thank you again.   
Your Little One,   
Pippin

-0000-

Peregrin my dear   
It gladdens my heart to see you at last taking an interest in things fiscal, however I think you may be approaching this in the wrong way. Presumably by 'tax' you are referring to personal taxation and since certain well-to-do-hobbits have no jobs as such ('Ringbearer' is not paid employment) they currently pay no such due. In addition the substantial wealth-tax some hobbits should be paying is being lost to the Shire internal revenue, because of the non-declaration of large hoards of dragon's treasure.   
  
I propose the introduction of more (what we politicians call, but don't tell the servants) stealth tax. Three farthings on a fill of pipeweed, tuppence ha'peny on a mug of ale, you know, all the things respectable hobbits cannot do without. Perhaps a tax on property, say for dwellings built almost entirely under hills, Great Smials would of course be exempt as it is a National Heritage Building, likewise Brandy Hall as it is does not conform to the definition.   
  
Furthermore, I recommend we look to joining an economic community with countries in the South. If we could get some subsidies and grants from countries like Gondor, we'll have it made.   
  
Of course we'll probably have to adopt their weird calendar and insist that ale comes in pints and no doubt that lazy sod Maggot will get his fair share of set-aside farming subsidies for doing sweet Fanny Adams, but overall I think we will gain from it.   
  
Perhaps you can put in a word with Boromir when he's lugging you around, a quick whisper in his shell-like. I believe he has some political clout in Gondor although I may be wrong, just don't let Frodo (the Ringbearer) hug him. We have to adopt to his foreign ways if we're to make any dosh out of this.   
  
Your loving, older and wiser cousin   
Meriadoc   
  
PS I think your scarf is a non-standard length and colour and may be outside the regulations of the new Gondor Economic Community, in which case it will be confiscated and destroyed under the new Federal laws. Sorry.

-0000-

My most esteemed Meriadoc,   
  
I regret to inform you that I have written to your father concerning your recent ungentlehobbit-like behaviorbehaviour in Rivendell. I am sorry for the difficulties this is certain to cause you, but I felt it my duty to do so. I know you will understand.   
  
Your loving cousin,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring

-0000-

Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
  
My Dear Master Baggins   
  
If you are referring to scurrilous rumours put about by a certain tabloid journalist by the name of Baylor, I am compelled to inform you that you shall both be hearing from my lawyers.   
  
In haste   
Your innocent cousin   
Meriadoc

-0000-

TBC


	2. Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitr...

Part Two: Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitry

Frodo Baggins Esq   
Office of the Ringbearer   
Somewhere on The Quest   
Middle Earth   
  
Dear Sir   
  
We are instructed to inform you that our client, Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck, heir apparent to Brandy Hall, will be issuing a cease and desist injunction against you and your biographer, Ms Baylor, concerning a delicate matter of implied voyeurism.   
  
If you, or she, persist in perpetuating these unsubstantiated rumours, our client will have no choice but to issue a writ for libel.   
  
We trust this will not be necessary as the costs involved could be prohibitive and we will be forced to seize property (NB hoards of dragon's treasure are not exempt from this seizure) in order to recompense our maligned client.   
  
Yours faithfully,   
  
Sue, Grabbit & Runn   
Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitry 

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

New tactic, fellow questers! Pippin has had a great idea -- he can use the stench rising from his ratty old scarf (unwashed for at least 14 years, I have determined) to overcome the orcs! While they are choking and gagging, run for the Gate!   
  
Yours in haste (as we are still in battle),   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Now wait a minute Cousin, I only **_wondered_** about the possibility... and if I do as you suggest, doesn't that mean I have to stay behind alone and die a brutal and grim death after the orcs have tortured me? I'm not stupid Frodo!   
  
I think that carrying that Ring has started to affect your mind. Does anyone else think that Frodo is getting just a little odd, especially with this sudden fixation about my scarf and making us call him Frodo, Bearer of the One Ring, all of the time?   
  
I am aggrieved by this aberrant behaviour. next thing you know Frodo will be demanding that Aragorn wash his hair.   
  
Pip

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Or save Merry... no, second thoughts it doesn't seem too likely.   
  
I'll just lie here quietly and die if that's all right with everyone - I'll try not to be too noisy about it.   
  
Merry (auxiliary backup, soon to be ex,-hobbit)

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Dearest Peregrin:   
  
Thank you for the kind offer to die while protecting me. Know that you go to your grim and brutal death with my deepest gratitude.   
  
Your loving cousin,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
  
PS -- Thanks for reminding me about Aragorn's hair!   
FB

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Oh and I'll just die without, Pip and without even being thanked. Excuse me for living (or dying) Mr Baggins B.O.T.O.R.   
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck A.B.H.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Mr. Meriadoc Brandybuck, ABH:   
  
Due to recent correspondence I am in receipt of from your legal counsel, Sue Grabbit & Runn, I have been advised by my own legal counsel, Dewey Cheatum & Howe, to cease all interaction with you outside the presence of said counsel. Therefore, I am unable to express my gratitude for your recent heroic efforts on my behalf.   
  
Cordially yours,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Peregrin,   
  
I could carry The Ring. I am immensely more suited to it, as I have a physical strength far superior to your cousin and obviously it should be mine. Get it for me and I promise you, no more discussions about your scarf.   
  
Your friend and teacher, Boromir Captain of Gondor

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Good Old Boromir,   
  
Thank you for offering to take this burden from Frodo, current B.O.T.O.R. as I really don't know how much further he's going to get seeing as how quickly his mental state seems to be deteriorating. I am not sure however if it is the Ring that is causing him to act so oddly, or the fumes from his mouldy old leather jerkin that he has been wearing next his skin under something I know he is wearing but can't really discuss with you in a public forum. Lets just say that the jerkin has not been removed since we left Rivendell, and the rotting leather has probably become part of his skin by now.   
  
I assure you that if we do survive I will give some thought to your offer, especially if you continue to carry me tiggy-back when I am tired, being as I am very small, and like Frodo, quite frail (but of course people forget about Me, as I am not F.B.B.O.T.O.R.).   
  
Your Pip

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Boromir, Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor   
The Fellowship of the Ring   
Somewhere in Moria   
  
Dear Boromir:   
  
It has come to our attention that you have expressed interest in handling or bearing The One Ring. We must insist that you cease investigating these avenues immediately, or we shall be forced to notify Elrond, Lord of Rivendell and head of the Council of the Ring. We remind you that no member of the Company of the Ring may handle The One Ring except upon greatest need.   
  
Our client, Mr. Frodo Baggins, Bearer of The One Ring, also has expressed concern with your newfound friendship with his young cousin, Master Peregrin Took, for whose well-being and cleanliness Mr. Baggins is responsible. We would remind you that Master Took suffers from severe Attention Deficit Disorder, and is easily led astray. Mr. Baggins is fully prepared to bring charges of Fostering Juvenile Delinquency should the need arise.   
  
We thank you for your positive response to this correspondence.   
  
Very truly yours,   
Messers Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Excuse me - I wasn't aware of plans for any one else to be heroically injured and bear it stoically and with fortitude - oh except Gimli - but you can hardly compare a broken leg with being stabbed - I mean that's really nasty! Especially with a jagged dagger that's still in there.   
  
I am entitled to my whinging - I have suffered for it and deserve it. I am also, as I have already remarked, looking forward to copious amounts of tender brow mopping, gentle hand patting and inordinate amounts of large manly fingers being run through damp hobbit curls - are you listening Aragorn?   
  
M. Brandybuck A.B.H.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Open Letter to: Messers Dewey, Cheatum & Howe  
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens   
  
From: Boromir,   
Captain of Gondor,   
Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor,   
and Member of The Fellowship   
  
Excuse me, but I am well versed in the Law of Men, which according to my discussions with the lately deceased Wizard, Gandalf the Grey, bear remarkable similarities to the Law of Hobbits. Being Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor does not preclude book learning contrary to recent rumors by some members of The Fellowship. You can pin no charges of "Fostering Juvenile Delinquency" on me as I have never been in Peregrin Took's company without the presence of at least one of his of-age and lawful guardians' willing company.   
  
Master Peregrin Took, I am sure, would take it most offensively to hear your comments about his proported ADD syndrome, especially as I, and others in The Fellowship, have never noticed this supposed problem.   
  
As I am quite involved in a battle for the life of not one but FOUR hobbits, one of which apparently is your client, I ask you to reconsider your threats. Cease and desist. After all, I have a large sword, I have a large ego and I have your client in my sights.   
  
If you continue with your harassment, I will be forced to retain my father's legal council, Lowe, Down & D'earty, Attorney's at Law, Gondor, Anorian and Rohan.   
  
Boromir, Son of Denethor II, Captain of Gondor.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Boromir, Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor   
The Fellowship of the Ring   
Somewhere in Moria  
  
Dear Boromir:   
  
Thank you for your recent letter. We appreciate your continued attention to your duty toward our client, Mr. Frodo Baggins, Bearer of The One Ring, and his personal safety. Your diligence is duly noted.   
  
We have received assurances from Aragorn, son of Arathorn, SNK, acting Leader of the Company, that any attempts on your part to handle or claim The One Ring will be met with sudden and violent death. Please be comforted by the knowledge that said tragic but necessary death would be met with great grief, and much forehead-kissing. It is our sincere hope that these events do not come to pass.   
  
Regarding the juvenile, Master Peregrin Took, we again ask that act with great restraint in his presence, remembering that he is at an impressionable age, and does indeed suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. This is compounded by hyperactivity and Took inbreeding. Mr. Baggins asks that you ignore any encouragement of your friendship with Master Took that you may receive from one Meriadoc Brandybuck, as Mr. Brandybuck is merely a younger cousin and ultimately not the party responsible for Master Took's behavior.   
  
Your cooperation in all these matters is greatly appreciated.   
  
Very truly yours,   
Messers Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Messers Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens   
Ref: Your Client, F. Baggins Esq., B.O.T.O.R.   
  
Dear Sirs,   
  
Re: Care and Custody of Master Peregrin Took   
  
We act for our client Mr M. Brandybuck and wish to inform you that it has been brought to our attention in the matter of the minor named above, that your client, has assumed all responsibility henceforth for the behaviour of said minor and will therefore also be solely held to account for all accidents, mishaps and misdemeanours perpetrated by the minor.   
  
There is already the outstanding incident of a damaged skeleton - a rare museum artefact of great value - that was vandalised by the said minor and our loss adjustors are currently assessing the amount of damages for which your client will be liable.   
  
In addition, we are led to believe that your client has clearly stated that the said minor suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and therefore requires constant supervision. We trust that he is arranging for this to be provided by suitable carriers. If not our client may have to take matters further.   
  
May we at this time recommend that your client avail himself of our Insurance Brokers, Claims-r-Us, who will be pleased to furnish him with a comprehensive never-pay-up cover-all indemnity against future calamities regarding the subject minor.   
  
Should your client decide not to avail himself of this offer, future actions will no doubt prove expensive for all concerned, but especially F. Baggins Esq. We suggest your client put his dragon's hoards on standby alert.   
  
We remain,   
Your obedient servants   
  
Sue, Grabbit and Run   
Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitry   
Buckland

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sue, Grabbit and Run   
Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitry   
Buckland   
  
RE: Master Peregrin Took   
  
Dear Sirs:   
  
All costs for damage incurred by the above-named minor will be paid in full by said minor's father, Paladin II, Thain of the Shire. The Thain remains grateful to our client, Mr. Frodo Baggins, Bearer of The One Ring, for his supervision of Master Peregrin, especially as other younger and less mature kin of the Thain's, also currently assigned to the Company of the Ring, do such a shoddy job in keeping the Thain's son under control.   
  
Very truly yours,   
Messers Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

**Khazad-dûm Heritage Trust   
Cavern 3a   
Walls of Moria Blvd.,   
The Lost Realm of Arnor   
LR1 3XX**

I N V O I C E   
**No: 0000001 **

**Paladin II   
The Thain   
Great Smials   
Tuckborough   
The Shire   
TB1 S2   
  
7th Afterlithe 1419   
  
To:  
****Skeleton complete with artefacts of bucket, piercing arrow and chain   
Qty 1 only 3,500 mithril pence sterling   
Sub Total 3,500.00 mps.   
Tax 3.25% 0,113.75 mps.   
Total 3,613.75 mps.   
  
Please remit the sum of three thousand, six hundred and thirteen pence, three farthings   
  
All accounts 30 days nett. **

**E. & E. O. Omitted**

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

Saradoc Brandybuck Esq.,   
The Master   
Brandy Hall   
Buckland   
The Shire Borders   
  
Thursday   
  
Dear Brother-in-Law   
  
I trust this finds you well. I am forwarding an invoice for your attention as I am given to understand it represents damage caused by my lad, whilst under the supervision of your lad.   
  
Hope you don't mind dealing with this matter, but I'm a little strapped for cash at present, what with me footing the wizard's bill for the fireworks fiasco at the Baggins's party and, let's face it, your lad was once again the ringleader.   
  
I know you understand that I am not made of money, not since Peregrin came along, I mean, Eglantine and I can barely keep him in scarves let alone the damages suit from Maggot that I had settle. (Once again your lad leading mine astray!) In any case, Esmie is always boasting to Eglantine that you are loaded, so this shouldn't be a problem for you.   
  
With grateful thanks,   
  
Paladin   
  
PS You could always try foisting it off on the Bagginses - I hear they're worth a pretty penny, what with the dragon's treasure and all. Pal

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Ned Goosebush, Head Clark   
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Ned,   
  
Glad to hear your Da liked the blackberries the Gaffer sent to your parents. It's been a right good year for the berry-bushes. Other than problems keeping hobbit-lads out of them.   
  
Ned, have you heard these rumours of a "stealth tax" on pipeweed and ale that folks are talking about? I know you'll tell me on accounts of us being such good friends. Folks are saying that Mr. Merry was looking inta such a tax (which I don't believe, he wouldn't do such a dirty deed) and my Mr. Frodo's upset about it. Mr. Frodo's been acting right odd. Odder than usual, I mean.   
  
Mr. Frodo's told me some of what's going on with him and his cousins and that Man of Gondor, and it's got me worried. This may be gentlehobbit business but you and me both know that our future Thain and Master of Buckland might have trouble finding their arses in the dark with both hands. It's all that cousins marrying cousins, if you ask me.   
  
If the gossip is true, well, we've got to take matters in hand. Express the displeasure of the citizenry, you might say. With pitchforks and torches. Possibly a lynching tree. Just to get our opinions across, o' course.   
  
Looking forward to hearing from you,   
Your friend,   
Sam Gamgee

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Samwise Gamgee   
#3 Bagshot Row   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Sam,   
  
Good to hear from you. Your master and his cousins have created quite a bit of work for me and the other clerks employed here at Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Mr. Dewey was saying there's so many injunctions and orders flying back and forth between Hobbiton and Buckland and Tookland, we may have to hire engage our own pony post.   
  
I've heard the rumours about that stealth tax too; folks here are saying young Master Peregrin Took was talking about implementing it when he became Thain. I don't give it much credence myself; I don't think Mr. Pippin could keep a thought in his head that long. What with him having Attention Deficient Disorder and all.   
  
No offence, Sam, but if your Mr. Frodo's acting odder than usual, how can you tell?   
  
Your friend,   
  
Ned Goosebush, Head Clark   
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens   
Hobbiton

-0-0-0-0-0-0-


	3. Viva Las Vegas!

Part Three: Viva Las Vegas

Dear Merry,   
  
I am confused about some things, and I know you are shaking your head and saying that is nothing unusual but I need some advice.   
  
You know Cousin Frodo better than I do, both of you being so very old, and I know that you can't have missed his odd behaviour of late any more than the rest of us have... strange obsessions about my scarf, imagining smells that aren't there, furtive writing of letters by the firelight when he is supposed to be on watch - you know what I mean. Stranger behaviour than usual, even for Frodo.   
  
So, when Frodo decided he needed a weekend away, and you refused to keep that Ring for him while he was gone (You'll have to explain to me sometime what you meant by "As much chance of that happening as finding you rolling in the hay with a lass") he came to me next and I agreed I would do it, as I did think he really does need a little rest.   
  
My quandary is this; Boromir is always so very nice to me, and he says we are quite near a place he would like to show me called Las Vegas. He says he has lots of "special friends" there and he would make sure I had a very nice time. It has been a long time since I had any real fun and I would like to go, but Boromir says that we would have to leave tonight, and Frodo won't be back at least until tomorrow or maybe even the next day and then it would be too late to go.   
  
I don't see the harm of going with good old Boromir, and giving the Ring back to Frodo when we return, but felt that I should ask for your opinion first...   
  
Yours in hope,   
  
Pippin, T.B.O.T.O.R. 

-oo000oo-

Ned Goosebush, Head Clark   
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey Havens   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Ned,   
  
Thanks for telling me what you thought about them rumours on the "stealth tax." You'll let me know if you hear anything solid on that, won't you? It takes a mite of organization to get all the pitchforks and torches together, and a "heads-up" would be welcome.   
  
Your comment on my Mr. Frodo acting odder than usual on accounts of him always acting odd, well, you just have to know him like I do, and old Mr. Bilbo before him. Bagginses are known for being a bit cracked. It's all that studying Elvish and staying up all night reading unhealthful books. Mr. Bilbo had a whole section of his library he never let Mr. Frodo look at, and now my master spends hours reading those books. I've taken a crack at them but I can't read Elvish. Whatever's in 'em, Mr. Frodo sure has a glazed look in his eyes the next morning.   
  
Thanks again, and I'll tell the Gaffer you and the missus might like some of his snap beans.   
  
Your friend,   
Sam Gamgee

-oo000oo-

Mr. Halpert Dewey, Esquire   
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Grey   
Havens   
  
Dear Hal:   
  
Thank you for your recent correspondence. I would cordially remind you that I have retained Dewey, Cheatum & Howe for all my legal matters for many years now, thus providing a large portion of your business. I am certain that the Bree firm of Grinn & Barrett would be happy to represent me if you no longer feel up to it.   
  
Now, regarding my young cousin, Peregrin Took again: I returned from a brief weekend away from the Quest to discover that Boromir of Gondor was attempting to take the lad to Las Vegas! As I had left The One Ring in Peregrin's care, I strongly suspect that Boromir intended to seek an opportunity to relieve Peregrin of The One Ring. At any rate, whatever his intentions toward The One Ring, this is highly inappropriate behavior, and I wish to see those charges of Fostering Juvenile Delinquency brought immediately, and I don't want to hear any more nonsense about jurisdictions and sovereignty.   
  
I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter. I also am awaiting an update on the difficulties with Meriadoc.   
  
Very truly yours,   
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Heir of Bilbo Baggins, Finder of The One Ring   
  
PS -- Jotted off to Manhattan for the weekend. You can't imagine how I needed to get away! Saw "Coming Out" with Frank and Henry and Clive, and had a splendid dinner. Then managed a day to myself at the spa -- my pores were so clogged from the road, and I haven't had a decent steam since Rivendell. You should come along next time -- the old gang would love to see you!   
  
PPS -- May have to fire the Gamgee lad, as I'm quite certain he's been looking through the books in my private library. How's my legal standing in regard to terminating his employment? Let me know about obligations – continuing benefits, retirement cash-out, severance pay.

-oo000oo-

My dearest Peregrin,   
  
I am terribly sorry you missed out on the weekend trip to Las Vegas. What a beautiful city, full of lights, wonderful buildings, and an inordinate amount of brew pubs. I found the most delectable 99 cent shrimp cocktail, full of tasty shrimps, plus a bar that serves Peppermint Martinis. Being as how you are 28 (nearly 29) you are of legal drinking and gambling age for the Shire of Las Vegas and really should consider accompanying me the next time I visit my friends. Too long you have lived under the shadow of confining cousins' care. I fear they will stifle your exuberant spirit and soon you will find yourself enslaved to the tedious trappings of your duties as future heir to the Took Empire.   
  
Reconsider my offer. I go again this week end. I believe your cousin, Frodo Baggins, Esq. CODGER and WOS (that is Carrier of (the   
Damned Great (and) Evil Ring Wielder of Sting just for clarification) has plans to pluck you from this Fellowship and toss you into a some sort of home for disturbed teenagers. He insists you have ADD, a terrible label to slander anyone with, let alone Heir to the Thain of all the Shire.   
  
Yours faithfully and in friendship,  
Boromir

-oo000oo-

Friend Meriadoc,   
  
I understand that of late, you have had a tremendous concern placed upon you to watch over your youngest cousin. While I know this is not a burden (far from it as Peregrin is always a delight), it can be quite wearing to one's soul at times. I offer you the opportunity to join me and Peregrin, to attend a charming theatre review, La Cage Folies, in spectacularly grand city of Las Vegas. It would be nice break from the grind of traveling with such a large number of fellows who have, admittedly up until very recently, been complete strangers. We can all practice our swordsmanship and perhaps even take in the King Arthur Show or the Lipizzaner Show; lots of swords and large beautiful horses.   
  
If you cannot make the weekend, then perhaps you will consider urging your young cousin to attend as it would, in truth, be a nice break for you.   
  
As always, your servant,  
Boromir

-oo000oo-

Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood,   
  
I extend an invitation to you as a friend and fellow traveler for a week end "get away". I have of late, found amusement in a city not far from here in miles but decidedly far from here in spirit. This city is unquestionably a haven for Elves. It is called Las Vegas and boasts a mirage of delightful treats for one such as yourself, accustomed to beauty and elegance. The Dale Chihouly ceiling at the Bellagio is to die for! Such a miracle of glass and structure. And there are gardens there! Oh, such beauteous gardens. Do not let the trappings of the surrounding desert fool you. The citizens of this city have toiled to bring lush green life into fantastical settings. They even have boats. Gondolas to be exact, where a jewel toned boatswain will gladly guide you about canals in amidst shops of gilded goods beyond our imagination.   
  
I would not normally presume to consider your company, what with an Elf's understandably normal concern for being in the company of a Man, but believe one of my fellow companions on this trip, Peregrin Took, would find your presence most entertaining as you seem to have a stamina to keep up with him that none of the rest of us possess. Our young friend, as you know, has boundless energy and a propensity for getting into, shall I say, sticky wickets? Your presence would most definitely assist in keeping him safe in the rather large and sometimes overwhelming City of Las Vegas.   
  
Please consider the invitation. It is a wonderful city, full of life and pleasant surprises.   
  
With most sincere good wishes,  
Boromir, Heir to the Steward of Gondor

-oo000oo-

Dearest Merry,   
  
I am turning to you as I know I can trust you to tell me the truth because you are my favourite person in the whole world and would never lie to me if I ask you something outright. Am I dying Merry and everyone is afraid to tell me?   
  
Boromir says that Frodo says I have something called ADD, something he says is terrible, and so I think must mean About to Drop Dead! What else could it possibly mean? I have heard several people spell out the letters ADD lately in hushed voices, always looking in my direction, and I am so scared Merry! You and Frodo have always taken such good care of me and now I am afraid it has been partly because you know I might someday develop this dreaded disease and now I fear the illness must have taken hold and I may not be long for Middle-earth. I have heard that Frodo is even being kind enough to begin making plans for me to go to a special place where other teens and tweens live, because they are disturbed about dying. Who wouldn't be?   
  
There are some other things in Boromir's letter that are scaring me Merry, about you and Frodo stifling me. I am guessing that he means that you and Frodo have made plans to stifle me in my sleep with a pillow to put me out of my misery, but Merry, I feel fine! Really I do. What a wonderful cousin and friend you are, and Frodo too, to plan such a thing in the hopes of sparing me suffering. You must both love me so much. I have tears in my eyes at the greatness of both your brave, generous, unselfish hearts when it comes to thinking of my well being. But while doing such a thing might be a kindness to me if I was soon to endure a much more agonising death it would cause you both great pain, you especially Merry-mine, so let me assure you that I feel perfectly well and you should not go to such extremes out of love for me. Maybe I have a less deadly form of ADD and will just wind up trapped in the Smials, a hopeless invalid. Boromir hints that that may be the case, and though it would be tedious I know that you would visit me often Merry, and that is a great comfort. Whatever the case may be I will face the outcome bravely if I have you at my side, and any plans to stifle me are unnecessary.   
  
Boromir has invited us both to go to the Las Vegas place with him Merry, and I would like to go, especially if I am dying. He says that I am old enough to be considered of age there, and there are lots of good things to eat, and we can drink and play games of chance and everything together, just like I was a grown up hobbit like you! Wouldn't that be wonderful? I overheard Boromir tell Strider about a place he especially liked there, a cage of foals, and you would like that very much, seeing as how you are so interesting in breeding ponies. Please lets go Merry! It would be a lovely memory for me to take to the grave or to remember if I become enslaved by my illness to the confinement of the Great Smials, and would be a nice memory for you too. It would be a nice weekend in any case, ADD notwithstanding. I admit that lately this whole adventure Quest thing has not been the fun I had expected it to be.   
  
And don't worry Merry, I won't give in to this insidious disease, should it be true that I do have it, but will fight it with all of my Tookish stubbornness. I plan to be your inseparable companion for many years to come.   
  
Your loving,   
Pip

-oo000oo-

My Dearest Pippin   
  
Don't be so stupid, you're not about to die. ADD stands for Acute Dosh Deficit and it simply means you are broke - strapped for cash - financially embarrassed.   
  
I can't say I'm surprised, I mean you haven't had two farthings to rub together since the Thain stopped your allowance. I don't blame him. The whole scheme with the parsnip, the dogsled, the stepladder and the suction pump was doomed to failure. For a start the stepladder was too short and you should have been using a turnip. Honestly Pip, if you don't know your root vegetables properly you mustn't attempt such feats.   
  
Which brings me to this whole harebrained scheme of yours for going to Las Vegas with that scoundrel Boromir. You do realise that the food will all be foreign and you won't like it. You're probably expecting the regular games of chance such as "hoopla" and "hook a duck". Well it's not like that, except perhaps the latter, but not in the way you think.   
  
In any case, you're hopeless at games of chance. Look at the last time we played snakes and ladders. You tried to cheat by tampering with the dice, but all you did was move the dot on the three to the middle of the four, which meant we had two twos and two fives, but no four and no three. I grant you it wound Sam up a treat, but apart from that, what was the point?   
  
The ale will be gassy and weak and they won't let you stand on the tables and sing and dance, well maybe for about 15 seconds before you find yourself leaving the establishment backwards - oh and you can't smoke anywhere!   
  
There will be lasses (large ones) wanting to kiss you all the time and you know what happens when large ladies kiss hobbits, all we get is an eyeful. (I expect Boromir might want to kiss you too, but you probably knew that.)   
  
The cage of foals does sound interesting, but I'm not sure about putting horses in cages, I don't think they should be in zoos, so I'll skip that anyway.   
  
If you behave and try to save a little bit of cash I could see about taking you to the seaside somewhere nice - perhaps Southend-on-Sea. You'd like that - you can make sandcastles and they have a funfair with fish and chips and candyfloss and everything.   
  
Your very loving cousin   
  
Merry   
  
PS Watch out for Frodo, I think he's trying to get you committed and while I think you are not quite all there in the brain department - you do still function and have your uses. M.x

-oo000oo-

Boromir the Brave - Heir to the Steward of Gondor   
  
My Dear Boromir   
  
Thanks for the offer of the quickie weekend in Las Vegas - I'd love to come. I'm trying to do a deal on the tickets, would you like me to see if I can get something off for you?   
  
Pippin won't be able to make it I'm afraid. He's laid up with ADD and you know how serious that can be, besides I think he's a little young and naïve for the sophisticated company you obviously keep. He'll be perfectly happy in front of the fire with a comic or two to read and a nice pot of tea.   
  
If you can get the elf to join us I should think we could have a blast! Not so sure about the beautiful swords and the big horses (or was that the other way round?) but I'm keen to latch on to any lady friends you might be able to introduce me to, I know I'm a bit short, but if I am at least eye level with just about their chest-line, then I'm sorted!   
  
I can also run a nice line in roulette wheel fixing. Hobbits are very good at getting under the table and tampering with the works and after all we've done (or are about to do) I reckon the populace owes us a bit back.   
  
Anyway - thanks for the offer and hope to join you soon.   
  
Yours in haste   
Meriadoc

-oo000oo-

Virgin Travel   
Mines of Moria Department   
Gap of Rohan   
Somewhere Down South   
VG1 SDS6   
  
Dear Sirs   
  
I wish to complain about the recent trip my companions and I took, courtesy of your travel firm, to the Mines of Moria.   
  
To start with the whole thing was a fiasco. There was no one to meet and greet us when we arrived, we couldn't get the bloody doors open and then one of our party was attacked by a giant octopus and very nearly drowned.   
  
Having overcome these minor difficulties, once we actually got to the hotel, we find it's not even finished. There are dead dwarves (presumably unpaid workmen) lying about all over the place, mine host (one Gimli son of Gloin, the proprietor's Great Nephew) didn't know that half, if not all, the facilities weren't working and then, to cap it all, our courier got lost.   
  
We had to sit around for hours, with no meal vouchers or loos and smoke ourselves silly, while he tries to remember the way. Once he finally gets moving, he obviously was guessing since we got hopelessly lost in the back alleys and were attacked by the locals and the courier got himself killed by some neighbourhood demon summoned up from the underworld by Morgorth Himself – really! I mean it's not what you expect from a reputable travel firm such as yours.   
  
I have copied this letter to my solicitors and if I do not have an offer of fair compensation by return, you will no doubt be hearing from them shortly.   
  
I will settle for two - no make that three, one for the elf - return tickets to Las Vegas, all inclusive of central hotel with full board and transfers.   
  
I remain   
  
Your humble servant   
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck (Heir to the Master of Buckland)   
  
cc Messrs Sue, Grabbit & Runn   
Legal Practitioners to the Gentlehobbitry   
27-92 Old Forest Road   
Buckland   
Shire Borders   
SB1 2HU

-oo000oo-

Mr. Saradoc Brandybuck  
Master of Buckland   
Brandy Hall   
Buckland   
The Shire   
  
Dear Cousin:   
  
I feel it is my duty as your kin to report to you the recent activities of your son on our journey. He behaved in a most ungentlehobbit-like manner in Rivendell where the Elf maidens are concerned, though I must say, I think Bilbo has been passing on some bad habits, there. I really don't think that Rivendell has quite the level of monitoring in its assisted living facilities as the staff led us to believe when we sent Bilbo there.   
  
Back to Meriadoc: I have caught wind that he is planning a trip to Las Vegas with a Man and an Elf. Need I list to you the ways in which this is inappropriate for a young hobbit of his standing? I advise you to immediately limit his access to the family accounts, least you discover yourself a few bags of gold short in the near future. And if you don't want to have to bail him out of jail for rigging roulette tables like you did after that Atlantic City trip, I would send for him immediately.   
  
I am sorely disappointed in the lad, Saradoc. After all, I brought him along to help me mind Pippin, and to top everything else off, he has been filling that silly little Took's head with all kinds of nonsense about me being out to get him. Really, as if I have ever acted with anything but Pippin's best interests at heart. You and I both know that if Paladin and Eglantine had listened to me years ago and had him sent off for special schooling, he'd be able to keep a thought in his head for longer than 10 seconds. At any rate, I am quite seriously thinking about leaving _your _son to his own disgraceful activities and taking Pip for a nice little vacation at Southend-on-the-Sea.   
  
Very truly yours,   
  
Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Heir to Bilbo Baggins, Finder of The One Ring   
Keeper of the Evenstar   
Elf-Friend   
Former and Future Master of Bag End   
  
PS – Do you have any help you could spare at the Smials? I am thinking of letting Sam go, as he meddles too much in my affairs. It serves me right, I suppose, for hiring a gardener as a manservant.

-oo000oo-


	4. Somewhere on The Very Important Quest

Part Four:   
Somewhere on The Very Important Quest

Lord of Minas Tirith   
Denathor II - Steward of Gondor   
Son of Ecthelion II   
House of Húrin   
  
My Lord Father:   
  
Greetings and Salutations to the Steward and his family.   
  
In answer to your last letter, though sadly it has been many a month since I have found time to write a proper response, I am fairing well enough. At least as well as can be expected when in such odd company as I am forced to keep. Many is the time I've feverently wished you had sent Faramir to this duty as he is much better suited to dealing with recalcitrant comrades and difficult co-workers. But, as always, I accept your decisions as you know what is best for our Kingdom.   
  
How fairs our White City and its inhabitants? I am led to understand troops have been forced to respond to yet another threat from the walled Tower on our Eastern Borders. I trust Faramir leads them? I know he is young and can at times rebel against your wishes, but I urge you, he's a good lad, you would do well to place your trust in him. Especially true if you post him to the Wilds. His men are a serious lot and though I never had much luck leading them, Faramir seems to gather an inordinate amount of faithfulness from them. Quite surprisingly, I have discovered they will toil for him at the most meaningless tasks for little or no wages.   
  
This brings me to my last subject. I have the opportunity to forge some friendships with a few of my fellow companions in this current posting. As we both know, these Peoples with whom I must travel can be tiresome and annoying, but are most necessary. If I could get one or two of them alone, in a soothing and stress free environment, I may be able to turn them to our cause and therefore increase the chance of me coming home with the prize for which you tasked me. To this end, I request an advance of 3 bags of gold, small denominations. This gold will be, of course, used wisely and in the best interests of Gondor and Her peoples.   
  
I sincerely hope all is well with you and that your recent headaches and night terrors have subsided. I caution you against the homeopathic remedy you've chosen. Using a crystal seeing stone to alter your state of mind smacks of quackery to me. But, it is your path to choose and I remain,   
  
Your humble servant and First Born Son,  
Boromir - Captain of Gondor 

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

My Fairest Friend, Meriadoc:   
  
I'm sincerely despondent that our mutual friend Peregrin would not be able to travel with us to the great Shire of Las Vegas. However, if it is your honest opinion that Peregrin stay with his eldest cousin Frodo Baggins, Esq. BOTOR, then I will acquiesce to your superior knowledge of Hobbit Understandings.   
  
Might I comment, however, there are numerous Kids Quests in Las Vegas, where our friend, Peregrin, may feel at home and still be cared after should you or I or our friend Legolas determine that our chosen activity might be beyond Peregrin's, shall I say, ability to comprehend? The facilities offering Kids Quest activities offer an abundance of electronic games, strenuous wall climbing activities and other things to maintain the interest of such an exuberant youth as Pippin.   
  
As for assuring that numerous beauteous persons of the female persuasion be available to you, have no fear. I know an associate of my father's who owns a transportation operation that guarantees discreet travel to the many Inns and Pubs where fantastical and wonderful ladies reside. Do not allow the names to dissuade you. Although The Chicken Ranch and Cheri's Patch sound as if they are farm institutions, they are far from this lowly, menial labor force. The ladies who live and operate from these Nye County establishments are well trained and very professional at making sure their guests are made comfortable. I'm sure a hobbit of your social standing can appreciate the work these ladies who work mostly in the evenings can provide.   
  
We leave at dawn on Friday. I know you've been working with your sources for discount airfare and accommodations. I am looking forward to your company, with or without your cousin, with or without the Elf. I am in need of some serious relaxation and a different venue. Thank you so much for you interest in my attempt at providing an alternative to Dirt and Forced Marches for Breakfast.   
  
Your faithful friend, as ever,   
Boromir.

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Ned Goosebush, Head Clark   
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe   
Solicitors-at-Large   
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Gray Havens   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Ned,   
  
Thanks for letting me know what you overheard Mr. Dewey saying. I hope it's not true. I'd be right sorry to lose my position with Mr. Frodo, what with being with him for so long, but if he wants to hire someone new, that's his right. I more than half suspect he's looking to hire one of those lasses that are always following him around and battin' their eyelashes at him. There's plenty that would like to get a crack at working at Bag End, hoping to wind up the Mistress one of these days. His cousin, Lily Baggins, would like to knock his feet out from under him, sure enough.   
  
Please let me know if you hear anything solid. I'd hate to have to explain losing my job to my Gaffer.   
  
Your friend,   
Sam

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Mr. Lotho Sackville-Baggins   
S.O.B. Hall   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Mr. Sackville-Baggins,   
  
Thank you for your most recent offer of employment. That offer was right generous. I don't know if I am looking for another position yet or not, but I'll let you know.   
  
Actually, I'm a bit leery of taking care of that new pipeweed you've started, the weed growing on those acres you out-bid Mr. Meriadoc Brandybuck for a few years ago. I heard Mr. Brandybuck was quite put-out; he wanted to plant that land with the new weed himself. It don't look like no pipeweed I've ever seen, and it sure smells funny. I've heard your last gardener got to spending all his time working in that patch, but most of the time he just sat around with a silly smile on his face.   
  
Respectfully yours,   
Samwise Gamgee

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Mr. Saradoc Brandybuck   
Master of Buckland   
Brandy Hall   
Buckland   
The Shire   
  
Dear Cousin:   
  
Of course I am perfectly well aware that you live at Brandy Hall, and not the Great Smials, despite the postscript to my last letter. I AM the Bearer of The One Ring, you know, and I have many things on my mind. I think it quite rude of you, in fact, to even point out such a mistake.   
  
At any rate, I've decided to keep Sam on. My cousin Lily offered to come and stay for a bit, and she seemed very enthused about caring for me. However, she seems to be under the impression that I am sickly, and after her fifth letter detailing the tonics and treatments she believes would benefit me, I decided that Sam does quite a good job on his own.   
  
By the by, I hear Lotho is doing quite well with that new variety of pipeweed. I told you we should have got in on the bottom floor of that.   
  
Your son remains a disgrace.   
  
Give my love to Esmie.   
  
Frodo   
  
PS -- Lily kept writing about my "condition" and saying that I must stay off my feet and lay off the drinking. Do you have any idea what she was talking about?

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Mr. Saradoc Brandybuck   
Master of Buckland   
Brandy Hall   
Buckland   
The Shire   
  
Dear Dad,   
  
Hope this finds you and Mum well, I'm still working very hard, as being on a Quest is far more strenuous than farming and I'm certainly getting plenty of fresh air, so Mum should be pleased.   
  
Pippin is being a bit of a pain, but nothing I can't handle. But Cousin Frodo on the other hand is acting decidedly weird. I know he always was a bit peculiar, but it's gone beyond that. I don't want you to worry and I wouldn't have mentioned it at all, it's just that he's taken to writing strange letters to all and sundry and threatening them with legal action and all sorts. So I'm letting you know in case you get any odd letters from him, possibly about me even! I know he loves me dearly, but he has been making up some strange things about Pippin and me and I don't want you to worry, but you shouldn't pay any attention to him.   
  
I know you'll trust me on this Dad. We all love Frodo and want the best for him, but I think that this whole Quest/Ringbearer stuff has gone to his head a bit.   
  
In other news, I'm off this weekend for a little business trip, sort of a fact-finding mission really, to a place called Las Vegas. I understand they operate a very effective stealth tax there, which I've also heard referred to as a Prole Tax. In other words, the general populace pay up money to the powers that be, voluntarily and without expecting anything in return except the odd cash bonus, but overall the guys in charge get to keep most of the dosh.   
  
I shall be in the company of the heir to Gondor and the son of King Thranduil, so obviously both their fathers want in on this scheme and I wouldn't want Buckland or the Shire to get left behind.   
  
I know this sounds like an odd sort of tax but, as I understand it, the people who pay it really enjoy it and give up the money quite willingly and I think, Dad, we could really clean up here. All I need is a smallish advance of, say, two bags of gold, quite a paltry amount for such a worthwhile investment.   
  
Love to Mum,   
  
Your obedient son,

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Miss Rosie Cotton   
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm   
Down South Lane   
Hobbiton   
  
Rosie-luv,   
  
I don't know what to say about the problem you're having with Mr. Merry. Mr. Frodo's already upset about the young master's wandering eyes – he's been on about it something fierce. If I were to tell him that his cousin tried to … to … to touch what Mr. Frodo's been on him for lookin' at, my master just might blow up on the spot. I know Mr. Frodo fears that Mr. Merry is falling in with the wrong crowd, learning Big People ways and all sorts of things a gentlehobbit shouldn't know. Not one that's going to be the Master of Buckland someday. And that he's a bad influence on Master Pip. Mr. Frodo's complained to the lad's father, but I haven't seen anything come of it - except that my master's about to burst something.   
All I can say is, if Mr. Merry tries it again at the Green Dragon or anywhere else, you let me know. I'll make sure those hands of his are too wrapped up in splints to hold anything for weeks.   
  
Your Sam

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Virgin Travel   
Mines of Moria Department   
Gap of Rohan   
Somewhere Down South   
VG1 SDS6   
  
Mr M Brandybuck   
The Very Important Quest   
Somewhere South East of Moria   
Middle Earth   
  
Dear Mr Brandybuck   
  
Thank you for your recent letter, and we would like to say that we are very sorry you were dissatisfied with the tour we organised for you through the Mines of Moria.   
  
However we feel it necessary to point out that it was clearly stated by our agent, L. Elrond in our Rivendell office, that the excursion was purely at your own risk and that the company or its agents cannot be held responsible for mishaps, inappropriate accommodations or loss of guides due to flaming demons summoned up from the depths of a fiery pit.   
  
We did recommend that you avail yourself of our inexpensive holiday no-claim-by-you-will-be-paid insurance policy but you did not take advantage of this and under the circumstances there is no compulsion on our part to make recompense to you or your companions for the Mines of Moria trip.   
  
Nevertheless, since you are good friends with our agent L. Elrond and he has, through several ages, also been a very good customer, we are pleased to enclose three double tickets (double in case any of you gentlemen wish to accommodate a companion) to Las Vegas.   
  
Please let us know to whom we should forward our account.   
  
Yours truly,   
  
Willy Connuss   
for   
Virgin Travel

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Willy Connuss   
Virgin Travel   
Mines of Moria Department   
Gap of Rohan   
Somewhere Down South   
VG1 SDS6   
  
Dear Willy   
  
Thanks for the tickets - that's just great. Please send the account to:   
  
Frodo Baggins Esq., B.O.T.O.R., W.O.S.   
Office of the Ringbearer   
Somewhere on The Very Important Quest   
Middle Earth   
  
He is my cousin and temporarily my direct boss so he should be more than happy to settle this small matter.   
  
Yours sincerely,   
  
Merry Brandybuck

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Miss Rosie Cotton   
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm   
Down South Lane   
Hobbiton   
  
Dear Rosie   
  
I hope you don't mind me writing to you out of the blue, although I think you know that my feelings for you are slightly more than platonic by now. I have had a spot of luck as Virgin Travel have given me a couple of complimentary tickets to Las Vegas and I wondered if you fancied a quick trip.   
  
The accommodations will be more than adequate, although you and I may have to double up on rooms, but I'm sure you understand that nothing untoward will take place. I think you will enjoy the resort as there is much to entertain a young lass of your obvious talents, especially as you are so well endowed in the talent area and, who knows, you may even get a whole new career modelling or as a professional hostess, which I understand is particularly well paid - far better than barmaiding in the Green Dragon in any case.   
  
I'll pick you up at around 4.30 on Friday if that suits – oh and don't worry about Pippin, I've told him he can't come, but there will be a man and an elf along and they should be pretty cool company.   
  
Yours, looking forward   
  
Meriadoc   
XXXXXX   
PS Best not to mention this to Sam

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Dear Merry,   
  
What a great cousin you are! I saw the mail today and there was an envelope from Virgin Travel. As I have been worried still about Cousin Frodo, B.O.T.O.R. and W.O.S. sending me off to that place for disturbed teens and tweens who are worried about dying, as obviously our elder cousin does not know the correct meaning of the initials ADD, I looked inside the envelope without noticing who it was addressed to. Sorry about that, but we have no secrets between us anyway so I know that you won't mind.   
  
Tickets to Las Vegas, Mer! You got us complimentary tickets so that I can go too, even though I am currently short of funds. How can I possibly thank you? Oh well, I am sure that you will think of some way that I can make it up to you - you always do!   
  
I am going to pack now, which should take no time at all as all I am wearing all that I own... maybe I should rinse a few things out? Don't worry though Merry, I won't wash my scarf, and all of my other things should be dry by the time we leave.   
  
I'll bet you that we can find a Hoopla game somewhere in such a terrific sounding place, and maybe we can even figure out a way to help those foals in the cage as it bothers you so much. I have no doubt that between the two of us we can fix it so they'll all be out before we leave.   
  
As to Boromir kissing me, he does sometimes, but don't worry Merry, he doesn't kiss me the way that you do.   
  
Much Love and Excitement,   
Your Pip

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

My Very Dearest Pip   
  
I'm afraid I have bad news for you. Unfortunately I have to take Rosie Cotton to Las Vegas with me as she is feeling somewhat deflated at the moment and Sam wanted someone to lift her up a little and as I had the free tickets it seemed like the perfect opportunity.   
  
However, Boromir and Legolas also have double tickets and I suppose you could share with one of them. Although generally speaking the management prefer gentlemen and gentlehobbits to share with a member of the opposite sex, so you may have to wear a dress.   
  
Nevertheless since you and Boromir are already on kissing terms (I didn't realise you two had become so intimate) it should not be too much of an inconvenience for either of you.   
  
I do like your plan about releasing the foals though, we should see it we can pull that off.   
  
Yours ever   
Merry   
  
PS Don't bring the scarf

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Dear Sam,   
  
Could you do me a favour please? Merry has a double ticket to that Las Vegas place that Boromir likes so much and I really want to go with him. He's such a nice hobbit though, that he is taking Rosie Cotton as his guest as she is feeling a little down. Isn't that nice of him? I figure that she is feeling that way because she misses you so much, so maybe you could come along as well? That way you could make Rosie happy again, I could share a room with Merry (and between you and me I really miss having my private time with Merry - this mission-Quest-thing has turned out to be very crowded) and Boromir can share a room with Legolas.   
  
I wouldn't mind if Boromir and Legolas got to be better friends as lately Boromir has started to get very touchy-feely toward me, and quite frankly if I am going to be kissed by another lad it's going to be Merry, like it's always been. Oh, I forgot, that's supposed to be a secret between Merry and me, but you're my good friend Sam, and Merry's too, so that's all right.   
  
I know that Merry will be very happy if we can work this out between us, I will be happy, Rosie will be happy, and you will be too, and Boromir and Legolas can really do some bonding.   
  
Really Sam, it wouldn't hurt you to come along and have a good time for once. Frodo, B.O.T.O.R. and W.O.S. has been grating on everyone's nerves lately, and it can't be pleasant waiting on such a disagreeable person hand and foot. Let go and live a little Sam! We'll have a great time!   
  
Your Friend In Need,   
Peregrin   
  
(Future Thain of The Whole Shire who will solely own a massive smial surrounded by beautiful gardens that need tending... but don't worry, I am sure your job at Bag End is secure, really. I try not to listen to rumours so don't be upset by anything you may have heard along those lines.)

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Dear Merry,   
  
I had a wonderful idea, and I have asked Sam to join us for the weekend, to be Rosie's escort! Isn't that wonderful? You know he is sweet on her anyway, and I think she feels the same about him.   
  
I told him how you were taking her to make her feel better, and suggested that she was probably only sad because she is missing Sam so it was an obvious solution - in fact, with three double tickets I don't know why you didn't think of inviting Sam yourself. I can't believe I thought of it instead of you!   
  
This way you and I can share a room and play those kissing games that you like so much, just the two of us. It's been an awfully long time since we've had any real fun like that. It really was rather uncomfortable you must admit when Frodo (B.O.T... yada, yada) tried to get the whole Fellowship playing that night before the wolves attacked us. I don't know about you but I was relieved to see the wolves.   
  
And I'd much rather not share a room with Boromir. While he has been overly affectionate of late and kisses me a lot it has not reached the level of intimacy that you hinted at in your letter to me and I would prefer to keep it that way. I think Legolas is more Boromir's type anyway. I did like that you were jealous though, but you don't have to be. I like the way that you kiss me when we are alone much better than anyone else's kisses.   
  
Just think Merry! A whole weekend, the two of us sharing a room, just like the old days before the Quest. I am not counting the room we shared at Rivendell because of the odd way you were acting around those elf maidens. You seemed quite distracted. I promise to distract you this weekend though, and I am sure we can set those foals free in our spare time.   
  
I can't wait to get away from you-know-who for two whole days!   
  
Your Pippin

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Miss Rosie Cotton   
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm   
Down South Lane   
Hobbiton   
  
Rosie-luv,   
  
Don't be angry, my rose, but Mr. Pippin tells me that Mr. Merry has invited you to spend the weekend with him in that Las Vegas place. Now I know a good girl like you don't know what goes on in that place, but it isn't proper for an unescorted lass. I know you want to go, Rosie, and I wouldn't tell you not to. But I have to tell you true that I don't trust Mr. Merry's intentions with an innocent lass in a place like that.   
  
Mr. Pippin has kindly invited me to go along, and I intend to take him up on it. He wants to share a room with Merry, them being cousins and all. You and I can share a room too – nothing improper, of course. You tell your Da that for me. I'll hang a sheet in the centre of the room and you know I would never, never do anything dishonorable.   
  
Mr. Pip tells me that the Elf, Legolas, and the Man, Boromir, are going too. I don't like that at all, but it isn't our business. These Big Folk are getting a little too friendly, if you ask me. Mr. Frodo owes me about seventeen years of unused leave, and I know he won't mind if I take a few days off. The Gaffer can keep an eye on the gardens, and water that patch of new pipeweed Mr. Frodo got from his cousin Lotho.   
  
Is that all right, me dear? I've heard there are some very romantic places in Las Vegas, and I'd like to take you to see them. I just hope we don't see the rest of our party there. I don't like the looks that Man has been giving Mr. Pippin, but it's not my place to say anything.   
  
Hopefully,   
Your Sam

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Master Peregrin Took   
The Great Smials   
Tookland   
  
Dear Mr. Pippin,   
  
Thank you very much for the invite to Las Vegas. I'd be right glad to accept. I think it is a very good idea that you share a room with Mr. Merry, and Rosie and I'll share, too (nothing improper, of course). Mr. Merry needs you to keep an eye on him, if you ask me – that Elf and that Man might be taking advantage of him, him being the son of the Master and all. If you ask me, he needs you to watch out for him and never let him out of your sight. Not even for a second. Not even for half a second.   
  
I'll just ask Mr. Frodo if it's all right with him if I take a few days off. I don't think he'll mind – he's been reading those books from his private library a lot recently, and seems a little distracted. He'd probably appreciate a few days of peace and quiet without anybody around.   
  
Respectfully yours,   
Samwise Gamgee   
  
P.S. I really mean it about keeping an eye on Mr. Merry. He needs you to take care of him.

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

Peregrin Took,   
Son of Paladin II,   
Future Thain of the Shire   
(if he plays his cards right)   
  
My Dearest Peregrin,   
  
Forgive me, I have been remiss in my correspondence. I have had many things preying on my mind of late and have not checked to see if you sent an RSVP to my invitation to Las Vegas.   
  
Though, I must admit, while at first I was greatly interested in Meriadoc's acquiring passage to The Shire of Las Vegas, now, it seems, with so many other, well, not to sound Southern-centric, but, how do I say this delicately, with so many Northern hobbit-types possibly going, I fear I'm not as excited as I was. I had hoped you and I could spend some quality time alone. Perhaps we might still arrange this, though if not, I suspect your cousin Meriadoc might have some free time and perhaps the three of us might take in a show?   
  
I must close this missive for there are matters to which I must attend post haste.   
  
As always, your faithful servant,   
Boromir

º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº°°º¤ø,¸¸,

**More Correspondence follows soon**


	5. Wacky Baccy

Part Five:  
Wacky Baccy

Mr Tom Cotton  
Cotton's Farm  
Down South Lane  
Hobbiton  
The Shire  
  
Dear Farmer Cotton  
  
I think you should be aware that your fair daughter Rose is about to be seduced by a ner'do-well bounder.  
  
That young tearaway Sammy Gamgee is planning to take her off to a wild 'man' city called Las Vegas and, I understand, he is even planning to sleep in the same room with her. This city is full of dreadful things that an innocent hobbit lass should not be exposed to, games of chance, ladies of easy virtue and they even keep young foals in cages!  
  
Now if I understand correctly, your sweet Rose has not even been plucked yet and I should think you would want to save her from being prematurely spoiled. The young lout concerned does not even have a proper job. He gardens a bit for the Bagginses, but I understand that young Frodo (B.O.T.O.R., W.O.S.) is about to let him go anyway.  
  
I strongly recommend that you keep her under lock and key if you have plans for her to make a respectable marriage at some time. If she needs to go on holiday in the future I would suggest a more suitable escort, such as that charming Mr Brandybuck, who will one day be Master of Buckland. At least that way she will be with a gentlehobbit of some standing.  
  
Yours truly,  
A Friend 

**0-0-0-0-0**

Miss Rosie Cotton  
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm  
Down South Lane  
Hobbiton  
  
Rosie-luv,  
  
I know I'm a lucky hobbit when you showed me that anono – that amonomous – that unsigned letter, luv. Your Da's a wise hobbit – he's not one to listen to something he receives in the post that some bounder won't sign his right name to. I don't much like some of the references in that letter, and maybe I might make a guess as to who wrote it. You keep your eyes open, my rose, and you tell me if someone we both know says anything to you he shouldn't.  
  
I'm glad that you've decided to let me come with you when we all go with Mr. Merry's party to Las Vegas. I'm looking forward to it and I know you are too. If you needed any further confirmation of Mr. Merry's intentions, just you look at the name of the travel company he booked with! If the lad's father doesn't take him in hand pretty soon, Mr. Frodo's going to have to do it, and then Mr. Merry will get his come-uppance.  
  
I hear Las Vegas has some right interesting places, as well as the romantic ones I plan to take you to. Mr. Boromir mentioned a place I'd like to see, called The Chicken Ranch. The Gaffer's hens could use some encouragement in egg-laying. You know I like all sorts of animals, and might learn something I can use here in the Shire. He also said Cheri's Patch was a good place to visit – he didn't say if it was a vegetable patch or a flower patch, guess we'll find out when we get there.  
  
One last thing, luv. Don't you let Mr. Pippin use them big eyes on you and ask you for "a little loan." I've made him more "little loans" than I can remember, and he hasn't paid back a Shire penny. I know it isn't his fault with that ADD-whatever it is, but he's awful free with other people's money. Don't you give him any.  
  
Can't wait to see you tonight,  
Your Sam

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mayor Will Whitfoot  
The Civic Smials  
Frogmorton  
The Shire  
  
Dear Mr Mayor  
  
It is with great regret that I have to report to you a serious misdemeanour that has been perpetrated by a hobbit lad of The Shire.  
  
Young Samwise Gamgee has taken to importuning young lasses with a view to luring them away to great cities of men with the promise of bright lights and easy money.  
  
Whilst I understand that he has not actually committed a punishable crime with his despicable behaviour, I am sure you will agree that such carry-ons are most unhobbitlike and should be stamped on with a firm hand.  
  
To this end, it may interest you to know that Gamgee is currently abusing his position as the gardener to the Bagginses by growing marijuana, otherwise known as wacky baccy, in the garden at Bag End. Now this **is **illegal and gives you the perfect excuse to have him arrested, so I suggest you despatch the appropriate number of Shirriffs at once and thereby save the maidens of The Shire from ruin at the hands of this scoundrel.  
  
Yours sincerely,  
  
Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Future Master of Buckland

**0-0-0-0-0**

Miss Pervinca Took  
Great Smials  
Tuckborough  
Tookland  
The Shire  
  
Dear Pervy  
  
I know you'll jump at this! Your sweetiepie sugarlump has got a special treat for you - a weekend in Las Vegas!  
  
Remember that naughty afternoon we spent in the barn at Brandy Hall last Harvest? How could you forget! Well I'm planning a complete replay of the whole performance with you in the starring role again. I can't wait to see you in all your glorious nothingness and sample your hobbitty delights, my delicious little hobbitty crumpet you.  
  
The place where we are staying will be nothing like the barn I promise. There will be silken sheets and soft feather beds and sweet music playing - oh and room service.  
  
You may also notice a few extra lights, with special people operating them in our room. Take no notice of them, they are just the hired help and should not trouble us at all.  
  
I'll pick you up at four on Friday.  
  
Yours as every  
Merrikins

**0-0-0-0-0**

Dear Pippin  
  
I'm sorry to disappoint you yet again, but I'm afraid Las Vegas is looking a bit out of the question. For a start I don't think Sam can make it, as he has an important appointment with the Mayor and I understand that Rosie has been grounded by her dad, so she's kind of out of the picture now too.  
  
I would have liked you to come and I did send you a proper invitation, but I made a little mistake and addressed it to Ms P Took and Pervinca thought it was for her and opened it and of course got completely the wrong end of the stick.  
  
Anyway I think I'll have to take Vinca now as we can't have her thinking I was saying all those naughty things about kissing and so forth to you now, can we?  
  
Of course you could always come along and share with Boromir, I think he'd like to have you. But in any event, don't worry, as soon as I can, I'll take you to Bognor Regis or Little Hampton for a weekend at the seaside. You can have a nice time at the funfair and I'll get you lettered rock with your name through the middle.  
  
Your loving cousin  
Merry

**0-0-0-0-0**

P.O.R.N. Film Studios Inc  
Holly Wood  
The Shire of Los Angeles  
California  
  
Dear Baz  
  
Thanks for the offer of vast sums of cash, I think I've lined up a very nice lass for you for the Las Vegas shoot and you won't be disappointed. The only thing is, she is not used to the ways of the wicked world of men, if you see what I mean, so if I refer to your crew as the lightholders, please don't disabuse her.  
  
She is very talented and will be a nice addition to your stock of moving pictures. Although I trust you won't want anything too explicit as she is still quite inexperienced and I don't think she has starred in a film before.  
  
I think she might be pleased with the fame it could bring, so once you've got it in the can, I should gently explain it to her and see if she'd like a contract - that's if she suits of course.  
  
My agent's fee will be the usual 75%.  
  
Yours in anticipation  
Mer Brandybuck

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mr. Hamfast Gamgee  
No. 3 Bagshot Row  
Hobbiton  
The Shire  
  
Dear Gaffer:  
  
You have my sincere thanks for agreeing to look after things while Sam is on his trip. To be fair to our Sam, I do remember him coming into my study and saying something about Merry and a weekend, but as I was quite engaged in my studies at the moment, I did not catch the details. At any rate, he deserves a weekend off. I am certain the lads will have a good time.  
  
While you are up and about the gardens, stop in for a moment and try some of this new leaf. I think you'll find it to your taste, though it does bring on quite a hunger for a snack in a hobbit! Don't worry -- I have plenty of things to munch on at hand.  
  
Very truly yours,  
Frodo Baggins  
Bearer of The One Ring  
Wielder of Sting  
Master of Bag End  
Savior of all of Middle-earth

**0-0-0-0-0**

Dear Merry,  
  
I think fate is against my ever getting to go to this Las Vegas. Oh, well. I'm really disappointed that we aren't going to get to do all of the fun things that I had planned for us this weekend (and there were some very fun things involving just the two of us, several carrots, a pair of hip boots, a mongoose, and something called a vibrating water bed complete with a faux-tiger skin throw that Boromir told me about in great detail and seemed quite excited about) and I admit that I am just a bit worried about what Vinca might be expecting from you if you mentioned naughty things in the letter she got hold of – really Merry, you should be more careful. When you send a letter to the Smials addressed to P. Took it could wind up anywhere. What if my father had opened it?  
  
Or worse, if it had been delivered to Great-great Aunt Petunia? She has always had an eye for young lads even though she is nigh on 96, and I really don't think you want to see her in her red see-thru shortie negligee with the feather trimmings. I only saw her in it once by accident and it's turned me to the lads forever I think. Anyway, I will hope you and Vinca have a good time, but not too good a time if you know what I mean and I know you do. (Wink!) But I also know that I have no cause to worry. You and I will just have to keep settling for a quick bit of nookie in the underbrush until we can get away somewhere private. I know that you are as frustrated at these obstacles that keep getting in the way of our chance to have some private time as I am, but I suppose if you can bear it so can I.  
  
I know I could go with Boromir, but I'd really like to see him get together with Legolas, and I don't want to be a third wheel, so I guess I will just hang around camp, and try to avoid Frodo, B.O.T.O.R. and W.O.S. as much as possible. Maybe I will ask Aragorn if I can rub my scarf in his hair (except for the corner you cried on, of course), and the resulting smell will keep our cousin the you know what with the you know what far away from me.  
  
Don't worry, I will have plenty to do to keep myself occupied. You have been doing so much writing lately that I have had to come up with amusements for myself, and I have invented some neat games! I brought those dominoes you gave me for your birthday last year along on this mission, quest, thing, or whatever it is, and have spent quite a few pleasant hours muddling them up in their box, giving them a quick look, then listing the order on the back of an old laundry list and somehow I get the order right every single time.  
  
And sometimes for a change I nick that deck of cards with the numbers and pretty pictures on them that Sam has in his pack and play with them. That game I made up is a bit more fun, as there are 52 cards, and no matter how I shuffle them up and muddle them somehow I know exactly what order they are in without looking. Sometimes I almost hope that I will turn a card over and finally get one wrong, just to be different, but I never do. Too bad that's a talent that is of absolutely no use, but it does pass the time I suppose.  
  
I will look forward to our weekend at the seaside, and am very excited about the rock with my name in it! If you get one with your name too we can break them in half and I will give you half of mine and you can give me half of yours. Isn't that romantical? As to the funfair, I can hardly wait, although maybe I will ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl by myself if you don't mind, although I guess you can ride it with me if you don't eat six chili-dogs, and a bunch of corn on the cob and candy floss first this time. I don't like to mention it, but I think when Frodo (the blah, blah, blah) is complaining about my scarf it's those chili-dogs he's getting a whiff of.  
  
Sorry for writing such a long letter, but I miss you already. I hope you have a lovely time and am looking forward to hearing all about it when you get back! Send me a postcard of the foals if you can...  
  
Yours Forever and Always,  
Pippin

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mrs Eglantine Took  
Great Smials  
Tuckborough  
Tookland  
The Shire  
  
Dear Sister-in-law  
  
I hope you are well and in good sorts, I am not especially so at the moment I am afraid and perhaps you can throw some light on the problem.  
  
My brother turned up here yesterday in a proper state, practically foaming at the mouth he was and I don't think I've seen him in such a way since he caught our lads having an innocent little kiss behind the woodshed. I mean where was the harm, they are cousins after all and have always been friendly.  
  
But yesterday I don't think it was Pippin that he was upset about. He arrived all out of breath and was banging on the front entrance to Brandy Hall, brandishing that long tailed whip and threatening to horsewhip our Merry from here to the Grey Havens and back!  
  
He is being ridiculous, I mean what could my dear boy have done to upset Vinca so much? I thought they were getting on rather well lately ever since they stopped squabbling over Pippin and I thought that Pervinca was becoming a nice young lady at last. Meriadoc was certainly being much nicer to her and was quite pleased to see her last autumn.  
  
Anyway, I can't imagine what Paladin thinks our Merry can have done to annoy your precious daughter, Tooks can be so pigheaded sometimes and I should know, I used to be one. He was ranting on about needing a shotgun instead of a horsewhip and a letter he found and he said something like "That young madam can stay locked in her room until I've beaten some manners into your lad!"  
  
I'll have you know my Merry is a good boy and would not do anything improper or unhobbitlike. He is well brought up and, if it weren't for your lad constantly leading him astray, would not have a single blemish on his character.  
  
I suggest you keep my brother and your son, to say nothing of your daughter, in better order.  
  
With affection  
Your sister-in-law  
Esmeralda

**0-0-0-0-0**

Aragorn, Son of Arathorn/The Dunadan/Strider/Estel/Elessar  
The Company of the Ring  
Somewhere between Moria and Lorien  
  
My dear Aragorn,  
  
As everyone else seems to be headed out for this Las Vegas trip, I thought you might like to join me for a weekend in Mesquite, Nevada, which Boromir informs me has a wonderful spa package. Heavens knows you could use some pampering and a good exfoliation. It's been too long since we've had some one-on-one time, what with Legolas fawning over you all the time and Sam and Pippin following me everywhere I go. Give it some thought and let me know.  
  
Fondest regards,  
Frodo Baggins  
Bearer of The One Ring  
Wielder of Sting  
Yada yada yada

**0-0-0-0-0**

Meriadoc:  
  
Please explain to me why I have numerous charges to the Internet sites "Bosom Bosom Bosom" and "Elven Maidens Gone Wild" on my credit card. We both know I didn't make those charges. And don't try to blame it on Pippin – even if he does know what a bosom is (which I'm not certain he does), I would have heard him giggling about it for days if he'd actually looked at any such material.  
  
I'm giving some thought to writing you out of my will and choosing a new heir. Sam certainly has been a faithful servant; perhaps he is a worthy successor. At least I'll know Bag End hasn't been turned into a brothel upon my demise.  
  
Frodo

**0-0-0-0-0**

From the desk of Meriadoc the Magnificent:-  
  
Frodo Baggins, B.O.T.O.R., W.O.S. Y.Y.Y.  
The Quest  
Somewhere in Middle Earth  
  
Dear Cuz,  
  
I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't even know your credit card details, let alone your password, unless of course it's something really corny like "Ringbearer"! It is - isn't it! Ha! I might have guessed.  
  
Anyway, as to the sites you cite I suspect that's Pervinca or Rose Cotton trying to get a bit of advice on How to Grow Some Better Boobs. Even you must admit Frodo, these elf maidens beat hobbit lasses flat, so to speak.  
  
I'm interested to learn that you're planning on writing me out of your will, I didn't even know I was in it - so quite surprised there. However, just leave things the way they are. I mean you are basically a Brandybuck when all's said and done and no need for the money to go to the servants - it's hardly good form.  
  
I guess you already have heard that I need the weekend off and I'm probably going to take Pippin off your hands for a bit too. I know he gets on your nerves with his scarf and all, and this way you can have a bit of quality time with Strider - nudge, nudge!  
  
Anyway, cuz, stay cool and don't get your knickers in a twist!  
  
Yours as ever  
  
Mer

**0-0-0-0-0**

Peregrin Took Esq  
Cousin of the Ringbearer  
That shall be Thain Hereafter  
The Quest  
Somewhere in Middle Earth  
  
My Darling Little Pippykins  
  
Of course you must come to Las Vegas with me, I wouldn't hear of you being left behind. In fact I'll even get some lettered rock for you and have it made specially with "Merry loves Pippin" written all the way through it.  
  
Besides, it turns out that Vinca can't come after all. Seems she's got herself into some kind of trouble with your dad and she had a tantrum and locked herself in her room, or he locked her in, one or the other, I don't really know. Whatever, it looks like it's just you and me Pip.  
  
Anyway, I know you like playing your little remembering game and I know it's not much use to anyone, but you might enjoy practising it in Las Vegas. They have some big pubs there where they have those special cards with the numbers and pictures that you like and you can practise working out which cards come where.  
  
Now there's just one thing. I don't mind hearing you practice and even showing off a little bit by telling me which card numbers are coming next, but the big people in Las Vegas really hate it and get quite cross if they hear you doing that out loud. You see, they like the card numbers to be a surprise and if you say them before they turn them over, it rather spoils the surprise.  
  
So we'll let it be our little secret. You whisper the numbers or the pictures to me very quietly and I'll see if they are right. You like having little secrets with me Pip and this will be our special one, just like what we did behind the woodshed. Don't even tell Boromir and especially don't tell Frodo, again, just like the woodshed.  
  
I like your plan involving the several carrots and the hip boots, you might want to rethink the livestock though! The vibrating waterbed complete with or without the faux-tiger skin throw is a bit of a surprise, especially for an honest law-abiding hobbit like yourself, but if you insist I think what would enhance the situation is some strategic lighting and I have some very good lighting personnel who would be able to illuminate the proceedings admirably. I trust you are still up for the dual whangy with two half hitches and a turn? That's a spectacular position and you do it so naturally my dear Pip.  
  
I'll pick you up at four - be ready and bring the vegetables.  
  
Yours forever,  
Merry  
  
PS See if you can get an advance off Frodo - just a couple of bags of gold. We'll be able to pay him back on Monday.

**0-0-0-0-0**

P.O.R.N. Film Studios Inc  
Holly Wood  
The Shire of Los Angeles  
California  
  
Dear Baz  
  
All is not lost! I know you were looking for a lass, but I have a really cute guy who will do practically anything for a carrot, a couple of mushrooms and a lollipop. He is very agile and quite athletic and I should know! I may even be able to persuade him into a dress, or at the very least, a laced-up corset.  
  
I'm sure you won't be disappointed. Same deal as before though with the lightholders and the agent's fee.  
  
Yours in haste  
  
MB

**0-0-0-0-0**

****   
  
BTW I forgot to mention, the guy I have lined up for you is quite into livestock and I don't know if you might want to fix up something for him involving foals in a cage, I understand they're quite into that in Las Vegas.  
  
Catch you later

**0-0-0-0-0**

Dear Mer,  
  
I am in a bit of a fix here. I want desperately to go to Las Vegas with you and I am so very excited that they can do rock with both of our names in it! And I'll get to show you how well I can play my card game, and then the two of us can go wreak havoc on the cage of foals and set them free, that is if you and I ever leave our room. Now I am blushing!  
  
My problem is that there has been a scary looking guy bothering me the past day or two -he looks a bit like that squint eyed Southerner from Bree - anyway he saw me playing with Sam's cards yesterday while you were ignoring me (sorry, while you were off doing something important, I am sure)and is being quite insistent that I go with him this weekend to somewhere called Atlantic City to meet with some friends of his.  
  
You know that I am normally a very trusting person, but there is something scary about this guy. He has a funny way of patting an odd bulge in his tunic whenever I tell him I don't want to go with him, and saying "Myrtle here will change your mind."  
  
Now Merry, you know that I prefer lads, and Myrtle isn't going to change my mind about going with this creepy guy, especially if she is so small she can fit inside his tunic. Frankly the whole idea of this Myrtle and I getting together squicks me out, and not just because she's a lass. I think she's a lass anyway, I never knew a lad named Myrtle.  
  
I really hesitate to suggest this, but this guy is obviously up to no good, and I wonder if you might help me out of this situation.  
  
I'll distract him somehow - maybe I can do that wiggly dance you like so much - and you could possibly run him through with your sword from behind? Myrtle can go on her own way then, as I can't imagine she is comfortable in there anyway, and you and I can be off to romp in The Shire of Las Vegas at last!  
  
I know it's a lot to ask, running this creep through, but as you did it so casually to that Hoover salesman the other day I really shouldn't think this would be too much of a bother. You're so good with that blade of yours he'd never even see you coming.  
  
Thanks in advance,  
Your Pip  
  
(P.S. The mongoose is missing anyway - I think Sam might have put him in that awful stew he served us for lunch. I could find us a nice wombat if you'd like, or maybe a lemur? Ringtailed of course. Let me know.)

**0-0-0-0-0**

Dear Pip  
  
Has Boromir been letting you look at his video tape recording mechanism again? How many times do I have to tell you those things aren't real? What you are seeing is an old James Cagney movie.  
  
You see a long time ago (or in the future actually in our case) some big people act out a story and then other big people make a lot of pictures of them doing it and then they stick them all together and show them one after the other very, very quickly and it looks like the people are moving about. At the same time they record their voices, like an echo in the mountains only they can make it sound whenever they want, and then they play it back in time with the pictures. That way it looks like real people walking and talking. Do you get it now? DO YOU? HUH? It's a FILM, PIP, A MOVIE! NOT REAL! IT'S NOT DIFFICULT! EVEN LITTLE CHILDREN UNDERSTAND IT!  
  
Anyway, sorry about that little cousin. What I'm trying to explain is that there isn't really a nasty man talking to you. Well there was, except he isn't/wasn't talking to you. Okay?  
  
Sheesh! Oh well if it makes you happy I'll come and kill the nasty film man with my big sword!  
  
love  
Your Merry  
  
PS You just concentrate on remembering those cards.  
  
PPS I'm planning on giving you a practical demo in Las Vegas of how making a movie actually works, you should enjoy it.

**0-0-0-0-0**

Merry,  
  
There is no need to shout at me. I rely on you to explain these things to me after all, and you have not been around much lately so who else should I go to - Boromir perhaps? He always seems to make time for me. If you had been paying the proper attention to me I never would have made the mistake with the odd moving pictures to begin with, would I? Aren't you supposed to be looking after me?  
  
Anyway, I don't know that I will be able to make Las Vegas after all, as I feel a headache coming on because SOMEONE SHOUTED AT ME! I might just stay here and play my card game all by my ownself. Pay no attention to the blotches on this letter, it's just where my tears have fallen on it and made the ink all blurry is all. Nothing for YOU to worry about.  
  
Of course, I could take some Extra-Stregth Excedrin and be all better if SOMEONE apologises nicely. However you have lost all chance of my bringing the hip boots even if I do decide to come.  
  
P. Took  
  
(P.S. I'll let you guess which one)

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mister Frodo Baggins, Esq.  
BOTOR, WOSYYY  
Somewhere in the wastelands of Moria  
Middle Earth  
  
Frodo (Ringbearer Extraordinaire),  
  
Might I presume our friendship has progressed to the point of familiarity for me to address you so boldly? Of late I have been rather wrapped up in matters concerning the mental well being of your cousins (they do take some attention, do they not?) and I feel I've neglected you rather seriously. Your manservant, Samwise, told me of your desire for some peace and quiet away from all the tediousness of this Ring Business. You and I have many things in common. A strong desire for peace and calm being just one.  
  
To achieve this goal, you may have heard, I planned a short visit to the Shire of Las Vegas. I was taking your cousin Peregrin to give the lad a chance to wear off some of that famous Took energy without bothering the rest of the Company. Las Vegas is a wonderful, fun city, though not extremely peaceful or quiet. I realize now I've miscalculated and am considering changing my vacation plans.  
  
It now seems your cousin, Meriadoc, has a firm handle on the preparations for the short vacation. The bustling and brightly lit village of Las Vegas is such an appealing destination that many of our original Company plus a fair number of their friends now are planning a joint retreat, or so I've heard. The guest list seems to shift on a moments notice and I'm beginning to get a headache just trying to think on it.  
  
With so much to do in Las Vegas (La Cage Folies being just one interesting venue), I suspect your cousins will not miss me if I bow out of the plans. So many people and so many, shall I say, interesting planned events, are not exactly what I had in mind when I originally planned the get-away. I still desire a remote vacation away from the restrictions placed on us by the dynamics of traveling in such a diverse group.  
  
To that end, I've looked into a short trip to Mesquite, Nevada. This quaint little burg in on the border of two regions, the one to the south boasts a wealth of pleasures and diversions, the other to the north offers quite spiritual solitude (I believe the peoples there call themselves Saints). Such an eclectic mix sounds just my cup of tea.  
  
I was wondering, would you care to join me? For a cup of tea? In Mesquite? They have ladies who will come to your parlor and give you a wonderful foot massage, I've been told.  
  
Please consider. I'd be ever so pleased with your company. While I have felt it my duty to try to keep your cousins at bay and to train them in the fine art of weapons so they might defend themselves, I have grown a trifle weary of late and would greatly appreciate some more intellectual and stimulating conversation.  
  
Your friend and companion in The Quest,  
Boromir, Captain of Gondor

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Future Master of Buckland  
The Quest  
Somewhere in The Wild  
  
Mr Brandybuck,  
  
Thank you for your recent letter. I'll be quite brief in my reply, as we both have important matters awaiting our attention. Personally I have a banquet to preside over at the Smials. The Thain's Pearl's had her third, you might tell that lad Peregrin so if he's still dangling on your coattails, as I have no doubt he is, what with his problems and all.  
  
As Mayor, I am of course concerned with any situations that may affect the peace and tranquility of The Shire, and my office therein. I am as dedicated as you are to keeping things on the right track, taking a firm stand, evaluating strategic information, stating my platform, keeping things from the public consciousness for the good of the little people, and otherwise running The Shire as an elaborate front for my own ends, which, as the future Master of Buckland, (though Buckland is not in The Shire proper and has it's own worries as I am sure you understand, you being one of them worries. A little jest on my part youngster!) ought to know.  
  
Firstly, allow me to address your concerns in regard to the youngest Gamgee lad. As a fellow, or almost fellow politician yourself, Mr Brandybuck, you and I both know that young people today are just a pack of predators, trying to upset the years of careful nurturing of the positions of their elders. They speak of empowerment! Change! Why do we need change when what we have has been good enough for generations? Tradition, that's what we need to stick to here in the Four Farthings, though you folk across the River may think differently on that. As for me I'll stick to the old ways. I speak of three banquets a day, mathoms for all, and a chicken in every haystack!  
  
I also know better than to meddle in the private affairs of my constituents, even if they ask me to. Make one hobbit happy, lose the votes of three more. You wouldn't understand that, young sir, your position being hereditary and all. Between you and me young hobbit, I have a letter of complaint on file somewhere against you of all people, actually, no, I have several letters of complaint regarding you…mushroom theft, corrupting a minor, rowdiness, indecent fondling of a certain barmaid, last name of Cotton, among others. As one official to another you can rest assured I won't take any action on these complaints. Can't be bothered. Too many banquets, not enough time. Not my business nohow. I take the same position with the Gamgee lad. The youngsters in question have fathers of their own, let them deal with the miscreants! Give them a good whupping, that'll end the streak of rebellion. Parents today don't use the strap as much as they should, and that is certainly true in the case of some young hobbits more than others but I'll say no more about what's not my business and let you work out my meaning.  
  
As to your other assertion, that young Gamgee is growing some illegal baccy or some such, marijuana you call it, up at the Bag End, I can't think what you might be going on about unless it's that new strain of pipeweed young Lotho Sackville-Baggins is trying out here and there around the Farthings…good weed that!  
  
Hereabouts we call it Lotho Leaf, and it's right popular, and certainly not illegal. I have a big pipe full lit right now. It's all I smoke nowadays, puts Longbottom Leaf to shame. It is just the thing before a banquet, seems to really improve my already healthy appetite, and my job performance seeing as how I feel like I could preside over four banquets a day after a good smoke of Lotho Leaf! Lotho is kind enough to see that, as Mayor, I get to sample the fruits of his labours, and while I may have had a few good meals and a bit of hospitality over at the Hall I can't recollect any such favours coming my way from the other side of the River. Mayhap that will change when you come into your own.  
  
It's a good cash crop young Lotho says and he's been shipping it everywhere I hear. Change is a good thing, and you shouldn't be afraid of trying new things young Brandybuck! We can't stay mired in the old ways forever, we have to adapt and change comes from within, so Lotho says. Forward thinking chap, young Lotho. All of you young people should be looking to the future, not the way things used to be. Don't be afraid to try new things! I'd think you'd be open to change yourself, being willing to go off on this Adventure or whatever it is you rapscallions are up to. The Shire is a lot quieter while you lot are off gallivanting I will say that much!  
  
I'll end this all too brief missive with an apology for its brevity and hearty thanks for your support of my platform. I hope I have made my position on these matters clear, and thank you for your civic-minded concern. As soon as I have some free time on my calendar I will try to get back to you with a more in-depth reply to your concerns. When you young hobbits get back from whatever mischief you are causing, outside the borders for a change, we'll have a banquet. Mayhap we'll have several, being as there are four of you. I'll be looking forward, to the banquets at any rate.  
  
Yours In Haste,  
Will Whitfoot  
Mayor of The Shire

**0-0-0-0-0**

Mer,  
  
We're good to go with the crew. Just need the name of the hotel, room number and time. Same terms as usual.  
  
Checked into the livestock angle - I like it but there is a limited market for that kind of kink as you know. I think we could probably gross quite a bit though if there were a mongoose involved, or possibly a lemur, any variety, as those seem to be the in fetish at the moment.  
  
If you and your partner are up to it, we'll shoot it both ways, with the lifestock and without. You know the guy - does he have the stamina? Broadens our audience base, and the crew only has to set up once so we save on salaries.  
  
As for billing I assume you want the usual? Meriadoc the Magnificent? How about your friend? Let me know so I can get the paperwork started. Looking forward to working with you again bud.  
  
Baz  
  
Reply To:

**0-0-0-0-0**

Aragorn Son of Arathorn  
Leader of the Quest  
Keeper of Anduril  
Future King of Gondor  
etc. etc. etc.  
  
My Dearest Strider  
  
I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know what a fine job I think you are doing. Also to assure you that I don't, in any way, blame you for the loss of Gandalf, even though everybody else probably does. I have always held you in the highest esteem possible from the moment we first met in the pub in Bree. I told the others, "he's all right, I would trust him further than I could throw him." Frodo was all for turning you into the law for importuning underage hobbits, but I made him see reason.  
  
Anyway, bearing in mind that one day, in the not too distant future, you are likely to regain your rightful position as King of Gondor and, with that, hold the rule of the whole Western Realm and Northern Kingdom, I wonder if you could put in a good word for me as the future Mayor of the Shire?  
  
I have decided to run for this office as soon as we get back as I think I am admirably suited, the main qualification appearing to be the ability to eat six banquets a day, a task to which I am sure I am more than equal. That, and a shrewd head for business, and knowing what's what.  
  
To that end, I think we should be able to do you a nice line in Lotholeaf, as we call it. A delightful pipeweed that will keep all your subjects nicely mellow and complacent for the entirety of your reign.  
  
This plan should not meet with too much opposition as I am already the Master of Buckland designate and I have the future Thain pretty much in my pocket.  
  
Your loyal and faithful future subject  
Meriadoc Brandybuck  
  
PS Do you fancy a quick weekend in Las Vegas? I have spare tickets, all expenses paid.

**0-0-0-0-0**

To be Continued


	6. Batchelor Of Theatrical Renderings & Wri...

Part Six:

Batchelor Of Theatrical Renderings & Writer Of Smut

Reply To: bazpornaol . com

Hi Baz

Why don't we do lunch beforehand, I'll pick up the tab, then we can go through the nitty gritty details, like location and billing and cash transactions - usual place all right?

But just to let you know, I'm kind of moving out of the acting and more into producing and directing. I'm happy for you to give me credit, but I have a new professional name now, looks better on screen. Just bill me as Frodo Baggins, B.O.T.O.R., W.O.S. Sounds good, don't you think? Especially with the qualifications, which stand for: Batchelor Of Theatrical Renderings & Writer Of Smut.

In other news, I'd rather not work with animals, even if it does pull in the punters. However I think I can offer you a good alternative. How about we do one shoot with the hobbit and an elf and then we could run the sequence again with a dwarf. Don't really mind if you want to run the dwarf with the elf or the hobbit - we could kind of vamp it on the day.

Nice doing business with you.

Cheers

Mer

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Prince Legolas Greenleaf   
The Quest   
The Wild (just shout loudly - he should hear)   
Middle Earth

Dear Legolas

So glad you're going to be able to make it for the weekend in Las Vegas, Pippin is really looking forward to you being there. I have made all the travel arrangements and we're set - first class accommodations and excellent passage.

I did wonder if you were bringing Gimli with you? I do hope so. The ticket is a double and he is more than welcome. Also I had rather hoped that the two of you might be able to render a little assistance while we are there.

The assistance concerns young Pippin. He is a little, how shall I say, naïve when it comes to sexual encounters, although I know he's terribly keen. I would be happy to show him the ropes but the trouble is he has a major crush on both you and Gimli and I think he would learn faster and be more adept if you could both give him a quick tumble.

I have an excellent room booked especially for the purpose, with all modern facilities and excellent lighting servants. I know that Pip will be eternally grateful to both of you and, no doubt, to me.

I think this should work out well, it will give you both a chance to relax and, at the same time, enable you to pass on some of the vast experience of 2K years to one who needs it so badly.

In excited anticipation,   
Your friend,

Meriadoc

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Peregrin Took   
The Quest   
Sulking Under a Bush   
Middle Earth

Darling Pippikins

Wassa matter chucky chops? Does his Merripops say the nassty shoutings at he?

I'm sorry baby, but you do get very muddled at times. Let's forget about it.

Now, I have some exciting news for you. Legolas and Gimli are going to come to Las Vegas and have agreed to join us in a super foursome in our room! Won't that be fun?

I'm very pleased and so looking forward to those two seeing my beautiful darling Pippy in all his naked glory. I can't be so selfish as to keep you all to myself forever and the thought of Leggie and Gims getting an eyeful, to say nothing of a handful, of your special delights fills me with utter joy!

Anyway, I'll pick you up at four and hope you bring the boots now I've made it all better.

lots of luvvikins and snugs and hugs and kissikins

Your Merrikins

PS That letter was from you - right? It wasn't Pervy was it?

PPS Keep practising with those cards.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Send To: merrytheshire . com

Yo Mer,

Lunch is great. We'll talk the details then.

Changing the paperwork to reflect your new professional name. Frodo Baggins - what kind of a name is that? Not exactly going to draw the audience like the name Meriadoc the Magnificent. At least that name tells the audience what they are going to see. Still, your business, not mine. What's your bud's name? Got to submit this paperwork asap and I need it.

And sorry dude, but I got the funding for the straight two hobbit guys shoot from the A.P.D. (Animal Porn Division) of the company, with the understanding that they would be getting a version they could market to recoup. They already have distribution deals set up for this project - and they are excited that you'll be in this flick dude, you have no idea of your rep with this studio! - so it's you, the other hobbit guy and the mongoose or lemur, and the shoot with just you two. Your choice which furry friend you use, but I'm afraid that isn't negotiable at this point. The money should make it worth your while, and we can set the action so you don't have to have too much contact with anyone but the other guy.

Nix on the elf, they're too androgynous, no interest from the audience, and total no go on the dwarf! We aren't just going direct to video here, we are planning a limited release in some selected theatres and they count on concession sales for a lot of their profit. A naked dwarf really cuts down on popcorn sales, I am sure you can understand that.

Also, your friend might be able to make a little cash on the side this weekend. You said you can get him to wear a dress, and he's pretty right? My buddy that runs La Cage aux Folies - I think that's French or something for the cage of foals your friend was interested in - anyway I assume your friend is about the same as you heightwise? My buddy needs a guy to fill in for 'Heidi of the Swiss Alps' this Saturday night. His 'Heidi' was doing a private gig for some Japanese businessmen and apparently made quite a hit as he won't be back in the show till Sunday. It pays union scale, perhaps a bit extra if your kid can yodel, and he can make some decent tips too, and make a few private arrangements on the side if you know what I mean, and I know that you do, wildman! I'll see you get a percentage of the ticket sales as well as your agents fee, and of course I'll get you on the pass list.

Let me know and I'll set it up.

Baz

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Note to Mister Frodo

Master,

You said not to disturb you when you were reading your books from Mr Bilbo's private library, so I didn't – I'm just leaving this note pinned to your pipeweed pouch where you'll be sure to find it. But the Mayor came by today and he was acting right odd. He kept nudging me and winking at me, and wanting ta know when that patch of special pipeweed your cousin, Mr Lotho, sent you would be ready for harvest. I told him I hadn't grown it before so I didn't know, and he said, well, let him know when you were ready to try it. He said invite him and he'd make sure the Shirriff was busy on the other side of the Shire. What did he mean by that?

Mr Whitfoot also said that with all his contacts all over the Shire and Buckland and Tookland, he could set up a right good 'network' for you, and that he'd be calling on you to talk about his 'cut.' I told him I got some bandages if he needed them. He just gave me an odd look and said he'll talk to you when you came out of your study, and maybe you'd like to translate those books of Mr Bilbo's and offer them to 'select gentlehobbits of discriminating taste.' If he's putting together a cookbook, I've got a stew recipe that folks say is excellent.

He also wanted to talk to me about bottling the Gaffer's home brew for sale and I said he's better talk to the Gaffer about that. Then Mr Whitfoot said I'd go far, and I told him I've been there and I didn't like it. I guess he thought that was real funny 'cause he patted me on the back and said it was good to see young folks looking to the future. Don't know what he meant by that, either.

Sam

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Boromir, Captain of Gondor   
Somewhere in the vicinity of Moria, provided he hasn't already left for Vegas

Dear Boromir:

I must regretfully decline your kind offer of a weekend in Mesquite . I intend to wash my hair this weekend. And perhaps Aragorn's as well. You remember him – future High King, Sworn Protector of the Ringbearer and The One Ring?

Cordially yours,

Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Heir to Bilbo Baggins, Finder of The One Ring   
Keeper of the Evenstar   
Master of Bag End   
He of the Impossibly Blue Eyes, and Impossibly Clumsy Feet   
Elder Cousin to Meriadoc the Magnificent, future Master   
Elder Cousin to Peregrin the Peerless, future Thain   
Employer to Samwise the Stouthearted, future Mayor   
Friend to the High King   
Accounted amongst the Greatest of the Age   
Hero of Middle-earth   
Elf Friend   
Bearer of The Light of Earendil   
Merciful Protector of Smeagol/Gollum   
Survivor of The Wraith's Blade   
He Who Covets Peregrin's Scarf   
Winner of Thinnest Hobbit in The Shire Award for 9 consecutive Free Fairs   
Wearer of The White Gem (same as Keeper of The Evenstar but I'm hoping most people won't know that)   
The Learned, Frail, and Sickly   
He Who Sailed to The Undying Lands   
Conqueror of Sauron, The Great Eye   
Gifted Map Reader and Survival Expert   
Orc Toy   
Official Travel Guide to Destinations East of The Shire   
Meddler in The Affairs of Wizards   
Wearer of a Mithril Shirt Beyond Compare   
He Who Cannot Be Healed   
He of The Nine Fingers

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My dearest Samwise,

Thank you for not taking me from my studies with the Mayor's message. It was most considerate of you. I will write to the Mayor and let him now, but should he ask again, the new leaf is nearly ready. Your gaffer and I are going to sample it while you are away this weekend.

I hope you and your Rose have a lovely trip. You needn't worry about anything back here while you are away. I will see you soon.

Very truly yours,

Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Master of Bag End

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The Honorable Will Whitfoot, Mayor

Dear Will,

Sorry I missed you when you dropped in. The leaf is nearly ready; Sam's gaffer and I will sample it this weekend, and I will let you know about the quality. Please come by again when you get the chance, and we can discuss distribution. I need to be careful in Buckland, as I want to keep young Meriadoc away from this endeavour, or the next thing you know, he'll have found some way to weasel a good percentage of the profits from us.

Interested in the books, are you? We'll talk about it. Also, splendid idea about the home-brew. I'll run it by the gaffer this weekend, but I don't think it will take much persuading.

I hope to see you soon.

Very truly yours,

Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Master of Bag End

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Reply To: bazpornaol . com

Honestly Baz, Frodo Baggins is where the future is namewise, trust me on this! It's understated and real! Anyway my partner's name is similar in its verisimilitude and sheer prosaic statement. He should be billed as Samwise Gamgee - good, huh? Except you can call him Pip for short.

I think the main focus of the movie will be on Sam and the livestock, I don't mind doing a quick Hitchcock, but fully clothed or it's nix - I am something of a moral icon in The Shire and Buckland and I don't want to jeopardise that in any way. In any case I can probably lay you on an extra hobbit at short notice - no biggie - just say the word.

Have to say I think you're wrong on the elf. It's all in the marketing - what you need to look at is the pop idol, teenage girl market. He doesn't even need to take his clothes off, although it helps, and the more androgynous the better.

Agree on the dwarf though - even I couldn't eat popcorn after that - and I'm a hobbit!

The role of Heidi is a done deal!

Nice doing business with you - see you soon.

Mer

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Peregrin Took   
The Quest   
Still Sulking Under a Bush?   
Middle Earth

My Darling Pippy

I have wonderful news! You're going to be a Star!

I know you have always wanted to be in acting and on the stage. I remember how you always used to sneak up on the platform and pretend to play in the band at parties, until they'd spot you and chuck you off.

Well your Merry has fixed it up for you to have a big role in a play in Las Vegas and even better - it's in the same place as they keep the foals. That way we should be able to see them and, what with you being an important member of the cast, we'll be able to set them free with no trouble.

Now I want you to get plenty of beauty sleep between now and then because you're going to have a very busy weekend.

First we have to have fun in our wonderful room (oh and I think you should bring the mongoose after all, it will get lonely if you leave it). Then you have to star in your play and after that we can go and play the remembering the order of the cards game. Oh and then some of the people who watched the play may want to meet you because you're so special and pretty and wonderful, they may even want to kiss you and hold your hand - won't that be nice!

We're going to have such fun and it won't cost you a penny! In fact, I might even be able to give you a couple of farthings for your money box! How about that!

Lots of love

Your Merry

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Samwise Gamgee   
Gardener of Bag End   
Servant to Frodo Baggins   
B.O.T.O.R.   
W.O.S. etc. etc.

Dear Sammy

I have a very beautiful new flower I'd like you to grow for me. I know you will take especially good care of it and I would not entrust it to any other gardener.

It is called a poppy (Papaver somniferum) and it has the prettiest red flowers. It needs plenty of sun and watering and the seeds like to be cast in well-tilled soil.

You can probably comfortably sew them in with the Lotholeaf you have already got going, brighten things up a bit with all that boring green. Then when you harvest the leaves you can just leave the poppies behind and I'll get them collected up ready for the next crop. Easy peesy eh?

The flowers have excellent medicinal properties, so you'll be doing The Shire a good service too.

By the way, are you coming to Las Vegas this weekend? Pip and I are hoping you can join us and you're very welcome to share our room. I know Pip has a bit of a crush on you actually Sam and I think it would be nice if you could show him the ropes a bit - if you know what I mean - nudge, nudge!

Well, hope you can make it and take care of the poppies.

Best regards,   
Merry

PS If you can bring Rosie as well that would be excellent.

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Send To: merrytheshire . com

Hey Ya Mer,

I ran your last email by the powers that be and here's the skinny - they'll go with a scenario starring your buddy Pip and the elf, as we're going to be there with the crew anyway so what the heck, maybe we can market it in Mirkwood - that King Thranduly guy is a real letch so maybe he will make it worth while in the cash department... sure glad you agree about the dwarf! I don't think I'd be able to keep my eyes glued to the viewfinder if you know what I mean.

Bad news is, you're in the the straight shoot with friend Pip, and I mean 'in' or the whole deal is off. Out of my hands dude, sorry. And there was some mutterings about breach of contract from the guys in the suits if you don't go with the flow. They sympathise with you wanting to go behind the scenes though, and are willing to offer you whatever production deal you want once you've fulfilled this last contractual obligation. I did get them to say that you could wear that mask you wore in "Merry, the Magnificently Gay Cowpoke" so no one will have any idea it's you dude, so don't sweat it.

To sweeten the deal they've given me the go ahead to let 'you' direct the action with that other hobbit you have lined up and Pip, with or without the lemur or mongoose, whichever it is. You will be supplying the livestock yourself right?

And Heidi is a go! That's terrific, man! I'll go to the show with you and the Margarita's are on me.

You are going to be rolling in gold pieces after this little weekend - your cut on three films, plus the Heidi action. And you're gonna be in Vegas, so you can have some fun with the cash!

Later Dude!

Baz

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Frodo Baggins   
Bearer of The One Ring   
Wielder of Sting   
Yada yada yada   
The Company of the Ring   
Somewhere between Moria and Lorien

My Esteemed Frodo,

I do appreciate your thoughtful letter and the kind intent therein, yet am perplexed by your need to communicate in said manner, seeing as I am travelling in your company.

That detail notwithstanding, I fear I must decline your offer of Nevada and of the "spa package." Being a Man, and a very Manly Man, at that, I am only capable of pursuing one goal at a time. All other goals and pursuits, including that of personal hygiene, must be laid aside. At present, I am in pursuit of the successful completion of the Quest; that is, of Your Quest, to which I signed on by my life or my death, if memory serves me (which it always does). smirk I cannot be distracted from this pursuit by vanities, regardless of how badly they may be desired, or needed (or perceived as needed by certain other members of this Company, whom I will forgive, as I am quite sure they are ignorant of the finer points of travelling in the wild, one of which is the importance of not smelling like a freshly laundered elf-maid whilst stealing through dangerous lands in the company of powerfully evil talismans and their bearers).

Perhaps when The Quest is complete and I am come into my Kingdom, I can arrange for a "spa package" beyond your imaginings in Ithilien. You and all of your friends and kin would be welcome, and I am quite sure it would beat the bloody hell out of anything in Mesquite, Nevada. I remain

Your Protector and Guide,

Aragorn, Son of Arathorn   
Leader of the Quest   
Keeper of Anduril   
The Dunadan   
Strider   
Estel   
Elessar   
Soon to be King

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Samwise Gamgee   
Future Hero of Middle-earth   
The Quest   
Somewhere in The Wild

Dear Sam,

I would love to go to Las Vegas with you this weekend! How kind of you to ask. I know you must be aware that my feelings for you extend beyond friendship, and while I know that you will be the perfect gentlehobbit I will tell you now that I'll not be adverse to some hand-holding and chaste kisses, and I think the hotel room would be much more pleasant without the sheet down the middle. I hope you don't think I am being too forward saying so. It's only that I know your eyes won't stray where they oughtn't, and it will be much cozier and the view won't be cut off, so let's not bother with it. Perhaps we can even find some mutual enjoyment in a game of draughts or two if you don't consider such a pastime too unladylike.

I look forward to the pleasure of your company, but it would be best if I meet you at the end of the lane rather than you picking me up at the house. Mother has been a little under the weather lately and any visitors might disturb her. I am sure that you understand, and I will give both my folks your regards in your absence. I will only have a small bag with me as I prefer to travel light, and plan to pick up some new outfits in Las Vegas so you only need to bring one pony. I'll feel perfectly safe sharing, so long as your strong arms are around me.

Your Rose

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Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck   
Entrepreneur and Future Master of Buckland   
The Quest   
Somewhere in The Wild

Dear Mr Brandybuck,

I am flattered at your invitation to join you for a weekend of fun in glamorous Las Vegas, but I received an invitation from Samwise Gamgee at the same time and have accepted his invitation. While I certainly know that your feelings for me are more than platonic (I seem to recall you groping my bosom and pinching my bum on several occasions) I am also wise enough to know that you would never consider me as future Mistress of Buckland material, whereas Sam is hopelessly in love with me and I find him to be a handsome strapping young buck with good prospects, and I have my eye on him with marriage in mind once he gets back from this road trip with the fellows. At least his prospects will be good with a smart hobbit lass like me behind him. And I believe your assertion that "nothing untoward will take place" about as much as I believe that your cousin Frodo Baggins would ever accost me in the back room at The Green Dragon and try to put his hand up my skirts as you did shortly before leaving on your journey.

But I do have a proposition for you that I think we will both enjoy. Sam as you know can be rather dull at times and I am looking forward to letting my hair down and having a wild time this weekend. And I must admit that you are quite a hottie, and have featured prominently in several of my naughtiest daydreams. I wouldn't mind a tumble or two with you this weekend, and I fully intend to get Sam to drop that shy lad facade of his and show him some things he won't likely forget either. Of course to do that I am going to have to ply him mercilessly with some of that terrific Lotho leaf, but all good things take effort, as I am sure you know, and as my Da is growing a test patch of it I have enough for all of us. While we're about it Merry, lets show your cute young Pippin how to do things properly too, so please do bring him along. Four is better than three any way you look at it, and the lamb deserves to have a tumble with a willing lass before his sets his mind firmly on lads exclusively. I am intrigued by the elf as well, although I am not sure about the Man. This is not the one that has the poor personal hygiene is it? Perhaps he'd be happy just to watch, but if he's cute we'll see what happens.

I do hope that I am not being too straightforward about my expectations in regard to this weekend, but I know that you are a hobbit of action and will appreciate my getting right to the point. Frankly, I have been quite bored of late, and intend to make it up this weekend. I hope all of you aren't too worn out from your questing, or whatever you are doing, and will go along with my innocent little wish to have a good time. I know that I can trust you to burn this letter after you read it, as I have quite a few indecent notes you penned to me while in your cups hidden in a secure place should I need them in future.

Looking Forward,   
Rosie

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Boromir, Captain of Gondor   
Son of Denethor II, Heir to the Steward of Gondor   
The Fellowship   
Somewhere in Moria Presumed Dead

Lord Boromir,

Though we have little hope of this letter reaching you, we write because it is our duty. As your father's legal council, we at Lowe, Down & D'earty, Attorney's at Law feel it necessary, however onerous, to inform you that your recent letter to your father requesting monies for investing in the recovery of a certain piece of jewellery we all in Gondor KNOW is rightfully ours, has been tabled indefinitely by your father, though there may be some recourse open to us at the law firm from a private source we are not at liberty to discuss, though his initials are STW and he is a neighbour of our Fair City.

It is with grave and sad hearts we inform you that your father, Lord of Minas Tirith, Denathor II - Steward of Gondor, Son of Ecthelion II, House of Húrin is not well. Of late he has been muttering about a crystal seeing stone and has taken to secluding himself away for days at a time allowing no one to approach except small lads of questionable age. He seems to prefer auburn curled moppets but that is neither here nor there in relevance to your request.

We, your father's legal council, have sent letters to both you and your brother, Lord Faramir, requesting your speedy return your homeland. Lord Faramir has yet to answer and the last two letters sent to you have been returned marked UNDELIVERABLE.

We beseech you, for the good of the Kingdom, if you receive this, consider increasing your efforts to obtain the talisman you were sent to retrieve and bring it forthwith to The White City. All speed is of the essence as your father's health and sanity teeter precariously and we are running out of small lads.

To ease the burden of your undertaking, the neighbour of which we mentioned earlier arranged for several bags of unmarked gold pieces to be delivered to you once you notify us of your whereabouts. It seems he has some emissaries or friends in your vicinity. If you should fail to respond to this letter, then we will be forced to send your young brother in your footsteps, though this pains us as it would leave The City potentially without an heir (Unless there is someone you have yet to tell us of. There have been rumours. We would appreciate any substantiation considering your current chances of returning we calculate to be something in the vicinity of a snowball's chance in Mount Doom).

Your faithful servants,   
Lowe, Down & D'earty, Attorney's at Law,   
Gondor, Anorian and Rohan.

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Boromir, Lord of Gondor   
Somewhere in the wilds of the East or North, I'm not sure

Dear Brother,

It has been so very long since I have heard word of you. It pains me to tell you, though perhaps you already know, our father, Lord Denethor II has sent me away to the wilds as punishment for what he calls "being cheeky".

I pine away out here with nothing more to do than chase Orcs and wear stupid masks to hide my identity. From whom you might ask? I know I certainly do. Though some of my men seem to enjoy the charades and have been making up games to amuse themselves. I've heard of one particularly popular one they call "hide the carrot". They've invited me to play tomorrow night. It's rather nice of them, though I've declined as I am following your example and not fraternizing with the troops so as to better keep up an example of excellence in leadership. Though I do admit to you, dear brother, it is VERY lonely out here.

If you find yourself in my general area, would you consider availing yourself of my hospitality and spending the day. We can devise some new games for the troops and discuss some potentially disturbing news I've heard rumor of about our father, young auburn haired lads, and some woman who is claiming you sired a child on her. Really now, Boromir! After all those lectures you've given me! I want to believe the best of you but these rumors seem very convincing. I will, of course, give you the benefit of the doubt, though if it is true, then all holds are barred and I plan on plowing a few fields of my own as soon as I get home.

Your loving brother,   
Faramir, second son of Denethor II

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Miss Rosie Cotton   
Mr Tom Cotton's Farm   
Down South Lane   
Hobbiton

My Rosie-luv,

It warms me heart to know you trust me enough to tell me a sheet isn't needed down the centre of the room we'll be sharing in the Man- town of Las Vegas, luv. But I have to tell you, I'd feel the better for it. Not for my reputation, Rosie-flower, but for yours. I wouldn't want there to be even the slightest hint of improperity – impropriority – unproper behaviour to get back to your Da and around Hobbiton. You know how some folks talk.

You're a good girl and I wouldn't want nothing to besmear your good reputation. Mr Merry has invited us to share his room with Master Pippin, and if it weren't Mr Merry, I'd take him up on it so that no tongues would wag. But considering what you told me about the young master's wandering eyes, I'm not inclined to trust him, even with his cousin there.

Mr Merry asked me to show Master Pip the ropes in Las Vegas, and I'll be glad to – I'll just pack the hemp and teach him to make a good sturdy line in no time. Valuable thing to know, rope-making. Mr Frodo's said to me that Mr Merry's teaching Master Pip some things he shouldn't know, but I don't understand that – sounds to me like Mr Merry's just looking out for the lad. I could teach them both some cooking, too, if they want.

I'm sorry to hear your mam's not well. I'll bring her a bouquet of Mr Frodo's best flowers when I pick you up. And some 'taters and carrots for your Da.

Your Sam

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Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck   
Brandy Hall   
Buckland   
The Shire

Dear Mr Merry,

I got a letter I think is meant for you, or for Master Pippin. I'm not sure. It's got my name on the envelope so the Shire post delivered it to Bagshot Row, but it's addressed to you inside. It's from a Mr Baz and there's a note with a whole lot of money in it. The note says the money's an 'advance' and for a Pip to take care of hiring some sheep. Is the letter for Mr Peregrin? I don't know what to do with it – should I send it on to you or to Mr Pippin or return it? It's a lot of money and I know Mr Pippin's in need of some, so maybe it's for him but I don't know how my name got on the envelope.

Those flowers, those 'poppies' sound right pretty but I'll have to ask Mr Frodo if I can plant them in the gardens. The new pipeweed crop is just about ready for harvest, so I could put them in that plot, if Mr Frodo says I may. But don't you want to plant them in your farms in Buckland?

Respectfully yours,   
Samwise Gamgee

P.S. When you talk to Mr Pippin, could you ask him to return my playing cards?

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Samwise Gamgee   
Future Hero of Middle-earth   
The Quest   
Somewhere in The Wild

Dearest Sam,

You are so thoughtful in taking such care to keep my reputation unblemished. I did blush when you said nowt in your reply about turning down a few sweet kisses and hand-holding and I am looking forward to our time together now even more.

Would it not be best though, seeing as how no one in the Shire would know that there was a sheet dividing our room, if we took Mr Meriadoc up on his offer of sharing a room with he and Mr Pippin? That way we would have witnesses that nothing untoward happened. And it does seem that Mr Merry is turning over a new leaf and trying to give Mr Pip an education of sorts. Why not let bygones be bygones? And perhaps there are some things with rope that you could teach me as well, and I am sure that I have some skills that young Mr Pip would benefit by learning. Actually I am certain that there are a few things I could teach the way of to Mr Pip that would make Mr Merry quite grateful being as he wants the lad to learn some new talents and them two being so close and all. You might be surprised yourself, Sam, at some of the things I am good at, and I am hopeful of showing off to you a bit I suppose, being as I am so sweet on you.

There, I'm blushing again at being so forward! Thank you in advance for the gifts to Mama and Papa. You are so caring and thoughtful, my dear Sam!

Your Rose

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To Be Continued…


	7. Visa or Mastercard

Part Seven:

Visa or Mastercard

To: Bazpornaol . com  
From: Merrytheshire . com

Hey Baz

Been a bit of a cock-up in your accounts department by the looks. They sent a bundle to Pip as an advance, which is all well and fine, but you know I handle all the finances - no exceptions. The kid doesn't know how to deal with dosh, probably blow it all on liquorish and hook-a-duck, and I'd be grateful if you made sure he comes through me for the readies.

Glad you're setting up for the elf shoot, I'll have to try and distract the dwarf meantime, but shouldn't be a prob - just so long as you've got something shiny - gold works well.

I'll take the mask option in the straight shoot, but two things:

1. I get billed under my director/producer name of Frodo Baggins, and  
2. I've put on a bit of weight since I last got the kit off, hence the reluctance, but I'm game if you guys are.

I think the third shoot is going to be a hobbit threesome with a lass - pretty neat eh? She's got plenty going for her and I hope to show her a good time after, on the proceeds. Although it's going to be a hectic weekend what with the filming and the foal cage and I do need to hit the tables at some point.

But I think we're set, so I'll see you on Friday.

Stay cool  
Mer

PS: The lass will need some frills and furbelows so could you bung her some plastic - I'll settle later from the proceeds. Put it in the name of Rosie Cotton, Visa or MasterCard is fine.

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Miss Rosie Cotton  
Mr Tom Cotton's Farm  
Down South Lane  
Hobbiton  
The Shire

Hey Rosie Baby

Things are panning out well, I just need you to get Sam to come across with the goodies and I think your plan with the Lotholeaf is the biz.

Now I know you think I'm not planning on singling you out as Mistress of Buckland and you could be right, but you know the position of just plain Mistress is not a bad one either - all of the fun with none of the boring entertaining, housekeeping and such. You'd suit pretty well I think. You marry Sam and we'll see what we can do about the fun later.

Meantime, let's have some laughs in Vegas and we'll start with Pip in the bedroom. What I need you to do is get Sam interested in nookie and then get him to give you a practical demonstration on Pippin, just so as you know how it's done (wink, wink). Then you and Pip and Sam can go for it - with you leading the way, you'll be the star of the show. Just two things:

1. You need to get Sam to wear a mask and you should call him Frodo or Mr Baggins if you like (kinky eh?)  
2. I've got you some plastic so you can go shopping, buy yourself something nice, a few frills and fancies.

I'm looking forward to a quick bonk in the bedroom with you myself, but let's wait until the lightholders have gone home, I perform much better in the dark.

Looking forward

Meriadoc the Magnificent

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Master Samwise Gamgee  
Gardener of Bag End  
Servant to Frodo Baggins  
B.O.T.O.R.  
W.O.S. Y.Y.Y. etc. etc.

Dear Sammy

Thanks for the heads up on the money. Yes of course it's a mistake, it was a refund for the extra ticket we didn't need after Frodo decided not to come, the sheep were just a tax dodge, don't worry about it - it's all very technical. You just bring it along for me to Las Vegas and I'll use it to buy us dinner and so forth, probably a couple of beers as well, although it's far more expensive than in the Green Dragon. But nothing's too good for you Sam!

I want to be sure you and Rosie have a good time and I think Rosie especially will enjoy the malls. It's not the same as the mall at Brandy Hall, which is all elm trees, in Las Vegas the Malls are made of shops and ladies really like to go there and spend lots of money.

I know you won't want to disappoint your Rose, although shopping does get expensive so if I show you how to earn a little extra cash on the side while you enjoy yourself, I hope you'll be ready to oblige.

As to the poppies, they were really meant to be a surprise for Frodo so best if you don't mention it to him. I can't see why he would object - after all they're only flowers. Any problems, just refer him to me.

Take care,  
All the best,

Merry

PS: Don't stress over the cards, you play 'em right this weekend - I'll get you a dozen packs.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Mr. Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Brandy Hall  
Buckland  
The Shire

Dear Mr. Merry,

I knew that Mr. Baz sending me all that money was a mistake. I'll give it to you when I see you in Las Vegas. I'm glad I don't have to deal with them taxes and accountants and such; I don't see how hiring sheep fits in with that at all. It is very generous of you to buy me and Rosie dinner and a few ales in Las Vegas. I won't say no, and I'm sure my Rose won't either. I must have misunderstood some things I've heard said about you recently, sir, and I'm right sorry for that.

I know the trip to Las Vegas is going to be expensive, and I have ta say I'm a little worried. I got some money put away but not very much, and I want Rosie to have a good time, too. These mauls don't sound like places I'd want a sweet lass to go unescorted, if you take my meaning.

What work do you want done? Planting or sowing? I enjoy doing both, and would be glad of the chance to earn a few extra coins. I planted them poppies like you asked and sure hope Mr. Frodo likes them. He could use a surprise – he's been working really hard on them Elvish translations. This morning he was so muddled he walked right into a wall.

Respectfully yours,  
Samwise Gamgee

P.S. About them playing cards, sir – thank you. But I don't need a dozen packs. What would I do with all them cards? Just getting the pack Mr. Pip borrowed from me is all I want. Thank you.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Miss Rosie Cotton  
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm  
Down South Lane  
Hobbiton

My Rosie-luv,

I knew you'd understand about me wanting the sheet down the center of the room we're to share in Las Vegas, luv. You're right, even with that SOME folks would talk. If you think it would be better to share acccommodda – acomodda- rooms with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, I'll agree. None of those loose tongues in Hobbiton could say we were alone then, and that your honour was compromised.

I got it wrong about Mr. Merry – he's been right generous and has  
even offered to buy us dinner when we get to Las Vegas. And he's offered me the chance the make a little extra money for the trip. I could ask Mr. Frodo, I guess, but he's been so busy with his studies and talking with the Mayor I hardly see him. We harvested the new pipeweed leaf and it is curing now. I've never seen Mr. Frodo so excited about a crop.

I think it's a great idea that you teach Mr. Pippin a few things, Rosie. About washing and cleaning, I guess? That scarf of the lad's is taking on a life of its own, and I can understand Mr. Merry wanting it washed afore it eats somebody.

I've heard there's an inn in Las Vegas that has these great dancing fountains, set to music, that's supposed to be very romantic. Maybe you'll let me walk you along the boardwalk. I wouldn't put myself forward, luv, but if you'd give me just a little kiss, I'd be the happiest hobbit in the world.

Hopefully,  
Your Sam


	8. You have a Txt Msg!

Part Eight: You have a Txt Msg

Email:  
To: Bazporn-àŧ-aol-dot-com  
From: Merry-àŧ-theshire-dot-com

thanks so much for the cell phones – I'll give you a call on one as soon as I sort out the call charges, but it will certainly make life easier in Las Vegas this weekend.

Neat!

Mer

0-0-0-0-0

Phones-r-Us  
The Shirephone Warehouse  
Near Bree

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to register two mobile phone numbers. The first is 00000001 and should be billed to Mr Frodo Baggins, Bag End, Hobbiton, The Shire and the second number is 00000002 and should be charged to Mr Paladin Took, The Thain, Great Smials, Tuckborough, Tookland, The Shire.

Both required full international roaming and WAP availability.

Many thanks

M. Brandybuck

0-0-0-0-0

You have a Txt Msg

Read? Y-N

Y

Hi Pip

kule prssy i gt u eh?

do u lyk it?

M9's Gr8!

now stp sulkg &

cum OOT

bush!

pls!

luv

M

0-0-0-0-0

Dear Merry,

I got a package today with a funny thing with buttons and numbers on it, and a secret message from you but I don't know the secret code. And I can't figure out what do with the funny thing. I pushed some buttons and someone started talking to me out of it! In some language I didn't understand!

I will meet you by the pine tree next to the big rock at 9pm and maybe you can show me a few things.

And not just about my pressie. I've missed you if you know what I mean.

See you at 9. We can talk about Las Vegas then too.

Love,

Pip

0-0-0-0-0

Master Peregrin Took  
3rd Bush from the Left  
Sulk City  
The Quest  
Middle Earth

Pip Dear

That is a magic box - it belongs to Gandalf and it has a little imp inside that will sing and dance for you and tell your fortune when you press the buttons. But if you press the wrong button it will escape and run away so DO NOT TOUCH it or Gandalf's going to be really cross with you.

That aside, did you like the cell phone? You didn't say, or have you already got one? I know all the kids have them these days.

Just text me back - or give me a ring, my number is already programmed in under "your Mer" or you can key it in, it's 00000001.

I've been trying to ring you but I keep getting the answering service, please pick up.

luv

Mer

PS Hope you're still practising with the cards.

PPS What do you want me to show you? I think Frodo has nicked all my pr0n magazines.

0-0-0-0-0

Dear Mer,

The cell phone? Pearl nicked it as soon as it arrived… lads call her on it all the time and she answers with some funny name that I can never catch but it has the word 'boxom' in it, then she leaves the room and she won't even let me play the games on it – let alone take calls.

Can you get me another one? A really bling one with Tetris on it – I'm unbeatable at that.

And I meant for you to show me how to do the half hitch thingee you like me to do so much - I need to be reminded of exactly how that works if you want me to do it with you in Las Vegas. I need some affection, I have felt very cross with you and I need my Merrypops to show me he still loves me, and you know exactly what I mean!

Looking Forward,

Pip

0-0-0-0-0

Mr Frodo,

The post just dropped off a package for you. I'll pin this note to it and leave it on the kitchen table so you'll see it when you come out of your study. It has your name on it, but it's addressed to Brandy Hall in Buckland. The posthobbit didn't know which to deliver it to, so he brought it here. And it has this after your name - Batchelor Of Theatrical Renderings & Writer Of Smut. What's that mean, sir?

The posthobbit said it had been torn something awful in the mailing and the contents fell out, but there don't seem to be any damage to the mask. Near as I can make out the return address, it's from a Mr Baz, from that town of Men that Mr Merry and Master Pippin and all of us are going to. Don't know as I'm so eager to go if they make you wear masks there.

Do you want some fresh strawberries for dinner? I could make you a shortcake, if'n you want.

Sam

0-0-0-0-0

Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Brandy Hall  
Buckland  
The Shire

Dear Mr Merry,

I thought you'd like to know them poppy-flowers are coming along right well. I did have a spot of trouble in that the gaffer's cow got into them this morning and ate some, and she's still in the tree. I shook this right ugly mask that somebody sent Mr Frodo at her, purple with sparkling rhinestones around the eye-holes, but even that didn't get her down.

Funny, that mask was from a Mr Baz, like all that money for you that was sent to me in error. Don't know why he'd be sending Mr Frodo that mask. Men are odd sorts, aren't they?

I didn't tell Mr Frodo about the gaffer's cow because you said the poppy-flowers were to be a surprise for him, so I gots to get her down before he asks about all the lowing. Luckily, he's been shut up in his study with them Elvish books all day, so he hasn't seen her. Or heard her, if you take my meaning. Still don't know how she got in the tree.

Best Regards,

Samwise Gamgee

0-0-0-0-0

You have a Txt Msg

Read? Y-N

Y

Baz pls gt yr admin

sOrtEd OUt?

Msk dlvrd 2

wrng hbbt!

No mor X-ups Plsss!

yrs# Mer

0-0-0-0-0

Master Samwise Gamgee  
Gardener of Bag End  
Bagshot Row  
Hobbiton  
The Shire

Dear Samwise

You must stop "accidentally" opening Mr Frodo's post - wink, wink! I know your curiosity gets the better of you – but try to remember you are his gardener, not his social secretary.

Don't worry though, on this occasion it's probably just as well that you intercepted that parcel. You see it's for a masqued ball in Las Vegas and when Frodo was planning to come, I ordered it for him as a nice surprise. However, now he has cancelled he might be quite disappointed once he sees the masque and want to come after all, but now I don't have room for him. So you see it's a lucky chance that you happened to open that.

Also you may as well use it yourself now Sam, with my compliments. Just pop it in your suitcase and I'll show you how and when to put it on once you get to Las Vegas with Rosie.

Don't fret about the cow too much, she'll come down when she's good and ready, but do try not to let her eat any more of the poppies. It's such a waste!

All the best

Your friend

Merry

PS: Errm don't give the cow's milk to any of the kids for a bit - just to be on the safe side – Frodo might like it though!

0-0-0-0-0

Dear Merripops,

I had a lovely time romping out behind the boulders with you last night! It's been such a long time since we had any privacy at all. Not since Rivendell, and I am pretty sure with elf hearing being what it is that really wasn't all that private. Come to think of it Legolas is an elf, isn't he. Whoops.

I am very sorry though about that prickle bush, (I truly thought that you would bounce the other way) and even sorrier that I had to go and fetch Boromir to pluck you out, especially as you were at a rather embarrassing angle and were right at his eye level – at least a certain part of you was. I'm blushing at the memory, but not as much as Boromir was last night…though he did seem a bit intrigued by the whole thing. What were the two of you whispering about while I was trying to get your breeches back from the lemur (sorry it wasn't the ring-tailed variety by the way, as I know you prefer them. I did the best I could considering we are out in the middle of nowhere.) … anyway you both stopped talking right when I got back so I missed the whole conversation.

I might just have to have a 'chat' with Strider myself though as he was far too thorough in applying ointment to your prickle bites. I might be short but I have a sword and I know how to use it (as you well know my Merrybunny!) so that Man better keep his hands off what's mine…or at least certain parts of what's mine. I didn't notice any prickle bites in that particular area and good old Boromir and I checked quite closely if you remember. Boromir was very worried.

But even though the prickle bush put an early end to last nights fun I now remember how to do the half-hitch with the twirl flourish, the backwards thingamabob, and the tongue swirly thingee that makes you squeal. So, in other words, Vegas here we come! I'm thinking it's a good thing we had our little rendezvous or else I'd have you so worn out in the Shire of Vegas that you'd be too tired to help me at the cage of foals. I am still puzzled though how yodelling and wearing a dress has anything to do with freeing a herd of baby horsies, but you're my Merry and you always know best.

Looking forward to the weekend!

Your Pippikins

0-0-0-0-0

Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Brandy Hall  
Buckland  
The Shire

Dear Mr Merry,

I'm right sorry, sir, but I have some bad news. I left the Gaffer's cow in the tree, thinking she'd come down when she was ready like you said, and managed to keep Mr Frodo from finding out where all the lowing was coming from. Good thing he's working so hard on them Elvish translations – he don't notice much of what isn't right under his nose.

Anyway, the cow came down all right – sometime last night she climbed out of the tree and ate the entire field of poppy-flowers. I arrived at work just in time to see her disappearin' over the far horizon, tail in the air and a look in her eye I don't care to think about. She's probably past the borders of the Shire by now. I pity any packs of wolves she meets up with.

But the poppy-field is ruined, sir. Them pretty flowers are just cropped-off stubbles now – she ate them down to the roots.

All your nice surprise for Mr Frodo. The Gaffer's upset about his cow but I tole him I'd buy him another, because it was my fault for not getting her out of the tree earlier. That squared us.

But I don't know how to square with you, Mr Merry. Will you let me come to Buckland to work on the haying this harvest? I don't know what else I can do ta make it up to you. I'm really, really sorry.

Respectfully Yours in Regret,

Samwise Gamgee

P.S. I'll bring the mask to Las Vegas, if'n you want. But I have to tell you, sir – I don't think Mr Frodo would have liked it anyway. It's a right ugly thing with them rhinestones around the eyes, and the master's rather conservit – conservatated – reserved in his clothing tastes. Maybe you can find some other use for it?

P.S.S. Too bad, too, 'cause he could use a nice surprise right now. He all upset about a whopping big bill he received from someplace called 'Phones-r-Us' wanting him to pay for a cartload of '900' numbers. Seems young Master Pippin's name was also on the bill, and Mr Frodo wants to speak with him about it.

0-0-0-0-0

My Dearest Boromir,

Thank you for your help last night, it was a bit of a tricky situation, but I think I managed it quite well.

Pippin has certain, how shall I say, fixations which a man of your breeding and rank might perceive as somewhat unusual or strange, rustic even, but then I'm sure you've noticed by now how inbred all these Tooks are.

Anyway, the short of it is, that I have to try and keep him amused from time to time and in order to distract him from his unhealthy interest in root vegetables, I was just in the middle of showing him my new lemur skin britches (do you like them by the way) and was modestly changing into them behind the bush when the attack came.

It was, in fact, a burrow troll. I know that they are not as big as a mountain troll or indeed as ferocious as a cave troll, but they can still give a nasty nip. Oh and of course, they are totally invisible - which is probably why you didn't notice it.

I don't know if you had a chance to see at all, but I was in fact terribly brave and I believe when I'm in a dire situation like that, I tend to be particularly handsome and fearless.

I managed the rout the vicious brute, thereby saving the entire company and receiving appalling wounds in the process. I am not one to complain, but I did make the supreme sacrifice in single-handedly fighting this dangerous creature, which are in fact only visible to hobbits, except of course Tooks, who are too shortsighted to even find their own toes.

So, as I do not want any embarrassing accolades, medals, awards or banquets in my honour, I'd be obliged if you would keep the injuries I sustained to yourself and certainly don't mention to Pip about the burrow troll, because I know it will only scare him.

Yours truly,

Meriadoc the Magnificent

PS As I mentioned last night, don't tell Pip about the bag of sovereigns you loaned me for his medical treatment – he'd only get embarrassed.

0-0-0-0-0

Dear Pippy

You are an idiot! You do realise that I was merely showing off a little, bouncing into the bush like that. It didn't really bother me at all because I am so brave and handsome, but it did give me a good excuse to have a new pair of britches made out of that bloody lemur.

Boromir's got some wild idea that you've gone a bit dappy and that you need urgent medical treatment. I don't know how he got this strange fixation, maybe it was the way you sat there giggling, with two carrots and a marrow stuffed down your britches – I do wish you wouldn't do that. Also, is that any way to treat a parsnip? Especially when you later gave it to Sam to cook! Glad I knew not to have any.

But in any case, don't disillusion Boromir about your mental state, he thinks it's quite cute and you could do worse than get a pity bonk out of him.

Now you get plenty of rest and be a good hobbit. I want you at your best for Las Vegas, especially with the card remembering game and the yodelling in the dress. You might need to pad that a bit to stop it falling down. Some of your vegetables should suffice - perhaps those puffball mushrooms - but please, not the turnips!

Luv and fishes

Your Mer

XXX

0-0-0-0-0

Master Peregrin Took  
The Great Smials  
Tookland

Dear Master Pippin,

I'd be right grateful, sir, if you'd deliver the enclosed letter to your Chief Healer there at the Great Smials for me. It's just a little matter that's been on me mind, nothing to be concerned about. I knew you wouldn't be interested, so I put the letter in this envelope and sealed it. And dipped it in wax. And put me thumbprint on the flaps. And it says so in the letter.

Thanks very much, and Rosie and I are still looking forward to that trip to the town of Men, Las Vegas.

Respectfully yours,

Samwise Gamgee

P.S. I hope you and my master got that 'Phones-r-Us' invoice squared. Mr Frodo called one of them 900-numbers on the bill and I've never seen him turn so white. Then red. Then purple. I think he wants to talk to you again.

0-0-0-0-0

Mistress Hortensia  
Chief Healer, the Great Smials  
Tookland

Dear Mistress Hortensia,

I hope you don't mind me writing to you, but Master Pippin speaks so highly of you, and I know he would be concerned if he knew about Mr Frodo. That's Mr Frodo Baggins of Bag End, Hobbiton, Mr Pip's cousin. I'm Mr Frodo's gardener and servant, and his friend, and I'm right worried about him.

It's a lot of little things, really. He forgets what month it is. Said to me a while back that it was the end of September, and it really was the end of August. He read something the other day that he needed to reply to, that was addressed to him, and he thought it was addressed to a Man of our akquantence – acquint – that we both know. We didn't hear from him and we all started getting worried 'bout him. Then he tried to pass if off with a joke, saying it was a good thing that … that something he has is on a chain, or he might forget it in the privy.

Mr Frodo's been real distracted lately – I understand there was some unfortunate incident with a bat and a cat, but it don't explain why his wits are wandering like this. He's been working real hard, and I know he has a lot of things on his mind. But I'm worried for him.

Can you tell me what to do? I'm real good at making medicines, and if you suggest a tea or a tonic, I can most likely make it. I've tried to get him to get more sleep, but he just mumbles about these Elvish stories he's translating, and asks me if it isn't too hot in Bag End.

I'm hoping you can help. Please send your reply to me at #3, Bagshot Row, Hobbiton. NOT to Bag End. And please don't tell Mr Pippin. It's none of his business and if that lad gets wind of it, no telling what he might let slip to Mr Frodo.

Sincerely yours,

Samwise Gamgee

P.S. I sent this letter to Mr Pippin to deliver to you, and I told him I'd sealed the letter and dipped the envelope in wax, and put me thumbprints on the flap. If you get this letter and the seal's all broke, I'd appreciate you letting me know. Mr Pippin might be needing your services.

0-0-0-0-0

TO BE CONTINUED?


	9. Publish and Be Damned!

Part 9 – Published and be Damned!

Master Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Lothlórien Healing Chambers  
Middle-earth

My dearest Merry:

After some serious thought, and a public opinion poll, I have decided to redraft my will and leave Samwise as my sole heir. (You may be interested to know that 90 percent of those polled did not think you deserved the inheritance; perhaps you should look into an image consultant prior to assuming duties of Master in the years to come.) Everything that I have and will have is to be left to him, minus some small items I am setting aside for special friends, such as yourself. Specifically, I will be leaving you the special translations Bilbo and I both have worked for many years on; I am certain you will treat them with the respect they deserve. (And please keep Pippin out of them.)

I know that you will understand. Sam has certainly proven his worth, and could use the money, while I know that your future is already secured. I have set aside a small trust for Pippin, which I will leave you as trustee of; though I know he stands to inherit a sizable fortune, I thought it best to have some money put away that his father does not know about, to be used for more delicate matters such a bail and tattoo removal.

None of this, of course, presumes that I will not be around for many years to come. Additionally, just as Bilbo did, I have made certain provisions should I meet an untimely and suspicious death or disappearance. In your own best interest, Merry, I would hope you never need learn of those provisions.

Your loving cousin,  
Frodo Baggins  
Master of Bag End

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The News Editor  
Special Features  
The Bree Enquirer  
Bree  
Eriador

Dear Chuck

Just wanted to touch base with you to let you know I will have a nice little exclusive that I can put your way in the near future. Certain secret letters penned by Bilbo Baggins, are likely to come into my hands and this is just a heads up to make sure you budget for a major bit of chequebook journalism when this is ready to break, we're talking at least 5 zeros!

The revelations will include writings by his notorious heir Frodo (The Ring) Baggins and, trust me, you will not be disappointed.

The never before told story contained in these personal jottings, contains, sex, drugs, indiscretions in a place called Las Vegas, as well as a scandal, worthy of Royalty or Politics, concerning involvements with servants that will rock the Shire and cause reverberations all the way to the Gap of Rohan.

The gay servant romp that will be revealed is also about to be firmly backed up when the contents of the younger Mr Baggins' Last Will and Testament is published.

Trust me, Chuck, it's all good stuff and I'm giving you first dibs on the exclusive.

Sincerely,  
Merry Brandybuck

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The Editor  
Gossip Page  
The Daily Rohan  
Gap of Rohan

Dear Chip

I know you live for exclusives, and have I got a biggie for you!

Frodo 'Nine-Fingers' Baggins is about to cough up the skinny on all the doings of the famous Quest. Revealed will be exactly what went on in Mordor with him and the hired help, plus extra insider stuff on Bag-End – what really goes on behind the round door.

This is a brilliant package, not just the sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, penned by the younger Baggins, but includes the wonderfully amusing ramblings of Barmy Bilbo Baggins himself.

It's all solid gold and it's all yours for the give-away price of 100,000 pence mithril. Trust me Chip, I'm cutting my own throat on this one, you won't be disappointed!

Look forward to hearing from you  
Merry B.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The Editor  
The Middle Earth Times  
Minas Tirith  
Gondor

Dear Sir

It is with regret that I have to inform your publication that I am about to come into possession of certain intelligence that I feel compelled to make public.

It concerns the former war veteran and hero, Frodo Baggins, B.O.T.O.R., who was honoured by King Elessar and is held in high esteem by the whole of Middle Earth.

These revelations will be devastating to the heretofore unblemished character of Mr Baggins and may even precipitate his departure from Middle Earth and compel him to seek anonymity in the Grey Havens.

I know you will see it as the profound duty of The Middle Earth Times to report these scandalous truths, which are contained in the personal writings of the gentlehobbit concerned and in those of his esteemed Uncle, Bilbo Baggins, formerly of Bag End.

My personal fee for supplying this information, which should cover sundry expenses and personal insurance, will be minimal and 10,000 pence should suffice, together with an additional 90,000 pence agency commission and tax.

I remain,  
Yours truly,

Meriadoc Brandybuck  
Master of Buckland (elect)

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Messrs Lyes, Damnlyes & Stats  
Michel Delving on the White Downs  
West Farthing  
The Shire

Dear Sirs

I wish to complain in the strongest terms about a recent poll carried out by your partnership.

Your brief was to gauge public opinion regarding Meriadoc The Magnificent, future Master of Buckland and you seem to have made an especially poor job of this as the results returned are obviously skewed very badly against Mr Brandybuck. The said gentlehobbit is in fact a well liked and popular figure, loved by all in The Shire and respected from Rivendell to the Gap of Rohan.

Mr Brandybuck is also a war hero of great renown, distinguishing himself in both the Battle of Bywater and the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, for which he received a Knighthood. In addition, he is a personal friend and advisor to King Elessar and is respected and revered by King Éomer of Rohan and Prince Faramir of Ithilien.

May I suggest you conduct this poll again, with a little more care and this time question an appropriate cross-section of the population, concentrating perhaps more on the female vote.

Yours truly,

on behalf of  
Frodo Baggins  
His personal Secretary  
M.B.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Mirror of Galadriel Inc  
Lothlórien  
The Golden Wood

Dear Sirs

I have been recommended to your agency by a personal friend who suggested that an image consultant might be able to assist me in my endeavour to serve the community by attaining high office and general popularity.

I am already pretty well set up as heir to the Kingdom of Buckland, War Hero, Knight of Rohan and personal friend to at least three current Monarchs.

However, I am always happy to improve my image further and, if I feel you have something to offer, would like to retain your services in this respect.

I look forward to hearing from you to arrange an initial consultation, the fee for which will be met by Mr Frodo Baggins of Bag-End, The Shire, to whom you should forward your invoice.

Yours sincerely,

Meriadoc Brandybuck

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

King Elessar, Ruler of Middle-earth  
Minas Tirith, Gondor

My Dear Strider

So sorry I have not written of late; I do not seem to have the concentration that I once possessed. I begin one task, but before I know it, I've started something else, and nothing ever seems to get done. Do not fret, though, Sam is taking excellent care of me. He has found some wonderful herbal teas that really put me in the most peaceful state of mind.

I am writing because I'm having some difficulties with Merry. I would discount it as tween-aged nonsense except that he really is old enough to have outgrown that. My only conclusion is that his head has grown too large for his hat, if you take my meaning, and he could use some humbling. Also, I fear he is leading Pippin into ever more foolish ventures, as if the lad needed encouragement to behave imprudently.

I wondered if I might, as Ring-Bearer and Saviour of Middle-earth, implore you to intervene. Surely there is some unpleasant mission-quest-thing that you need attended to? I do not forget that Merry remains in the service to Éomer King, but knowing how close the two of you are, and not forgetting that you are the HIGH King, after all, I felt certain that Éomer would accept any directions you gave him concerning Meriadoc.

Please give my best to Arwen. I hope this letter finds you both well.

Very truly yours,  
Frodo Baggins  
Bearer of The One Ring  
Wielder of Sting  
Master of Bag End  
Saviour of Middle-earth  
Elf-Friend  
Restorer of the United Kingdom  
He Who Made the Return of the King a Reality and Not a Pipe Dream

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Dear Sam, friend of friends --

I am redrafting my will, and I think you will be most pleased with the results. You and I must take an hour or so to stop by my solicitor's office at our earliest convenience. Let us just say that you, your family (and your Rose, if I may dare call her such) will want for nothing in the years to come. I know that you will continue to provide me with loyal and loving service until the end of my days (hopefully very far in the future).

Your Frodo

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Pippin, sweetheart --

You have been such a good, brave lad of late that you may have that blue knitted cap with the yellow tassle that you like so much right now, with my love. And don't trouble yourself about my and Merry's business affairs; Merry is wrong to make you trouble yourself over them, even if he is not well right now.

Frodo

To Be Continued


End file.
